Nick Bradish Scandalwatch

Tick tock, tick tock. That's the sound of the clock running out on Mr. Bradish's legendarily incompetent run as Student Body Vice President, one which rivals only Darth Vader act-alike Dick Cheney. At the very least we are relieved to know that you only have control of Reed College, rather than the country at large. The fact that this man is still in office betrays the apathetic nature of the school's impeachment board. Not only has Mr. Bradish shown unrepentant, endless contempt for even the notion of coherent and intelligible public service, but the scandals in which he has been embroiled display an arrogance towards the student body as a whole. How dare you, Mr. Bradish? How dare you?

Mr. Bradish's downward spiral began at the moment of his birth. Truly he is God's own mistake. But we were not able to truly realize the depths of his cowardice until the first scandal that erupted concerning the locks on the Student Union. The SU is the embodiment of everything noble and righteous about the democratic force of the student body. And you, Mr. Bradish, you locked the doors during scheduled events, ensuring that nobody would be able to get inside unless they were willing to lick your feet like a dog. You like holding the leash, don't you, Mr. Bradish? But I'm afraid slavery has long been outlawed, and your nefarious style of whatever you're doing that you call "leadership" is no such thing indeed. For shame.

But "lockgate," as it is known, only begins to plumb the depths of your infernal reign. And it is deep, Mr. Bradish. One could begin to dig through the human excrement of your administration in January and not finish until the last of the thesis notes are burning in a heap outside the library doors. One small sample of the feces that you call authority is the hundreds of dollars that you skimmed off the top of the student fund. "Quad cleanup," Mr. Bradish? The only thing you cleaned up was the student body bank account. While our beloved Quad still lies in ruins, discarded litter thrown everywhere, you sit like a king on your throne of inflated budgets and no-bid cleaning contracts for your buddies. Who could possibly argue that you even know what the word "fairness" means?

And this is only the beginning of the list that I could expound describing your indecencies, the indescrepencies you have committed while in office. Renting out the canyon to the homeless. Selling art theses for scrap. Silently taking control of the Quest board and forcing out all criticism of your tenure, pushing reasonable discourse to up-the-dial publications like The Pamphlette. In the sense of good decency and the only possible scrap of rational discourse in your tiny little brain, you must resign. Do you have any option left, Mr. Bradish? Can you make any argument for your continued eminence? I submit that you cannot. So resign, Mr. Bradish. After so long, so so long, finally execute the one propitous action that you can and must take. The honor of the school demands it.