Orientation Week Activities

Energizing Your Inner Unpacking Potential: Painting a Sculpture of Interrelational Gadgetry through Exotic Suspense
Everybody wants to find out a little about themselves, right? Come on a trip through your intergenerational mind-factors to find your shimmering inn-core inspiration zone, your "spiral orientation." Learn how you can become comfortable with your personal beauty rate countenance constitution presidency. Pizza provided.


Viral Marketing Class
Learn how to get customers to do your marketing for you! Students will be expected to teach themselves. $20 fee.


FREE FOOD
OH GOD DON'T YOU LOVE FREE FOOD? I SURE DO. COME HERE AND GET FREE FOOD. DID YOU HEAR THAT RIGHT? YES. THERE IS TOTALLY AN OPPORTUNITY FOR FREE FOOD HERE. ARRIVE EARLY SINCE THE ENTIRE SCHOOL IS EXPECTED TO SHOW UP. FREE FUCKING FOOD HOLY SHIT.


Being Yourself (Forever)
Afraid of the world at large? Want to make sure that you never hear an opinion that opposes yours? Come to this conference and we will make sure you never hear somebody else's ideas ever again. Other people have shitty ideas anyway. We guarantee you'll be the exact same person you were as a high school student until the day you die! Earplugs and methamphetamines provided.


Making Jokes About Your Major
Want to fit in at Reed? You'll need some ready-made puns about your major prepared to go at any given time. Available for all expected majors except Sociology, because there's nothing funny about that. Also at this seminar will be tips on how to complain about your workload.


Plays in Parks
Have you ever seen a good play in a park? Seriously? Don't say yes because you know you haven't. This play will be no different. But you're going to see it anyway because it's in a park, and because you feel bad for not watching enough live theater. Tickets are five hundred dollars.


Casual Bragging
You need to let people know how great you are, and part of that is not letting them know you're a braggart. Learn how to work your SAT scores into casual conversation. Maybe Steve Jobs didn't REALLY go here, but dropping that you went to the same school when talking with non-Reedies can gain you some points. Special guest lecturer Michael Phelps.


Learning to Smoke
Did you really expect to make any friends here without going through a pack a day? Sadly, smoking doesn't come as easily to some of us as others. Come to this seminar to learn the basics of lighting up, inhaling, and spending the rest of your life in a trailer wearing a loose Looney Tunes sweater.