FOR SALE: One Identity, Slightly Used: Ran into a little existential trouble, willing to part with it for cheap, still runs fine. Comes with two credit card numbers.
M4W: Want to meet up and stare at eachother while we imagine fucking eachother's brains out, then go home? sound s hot 2 me call me
STRICTLY PLATONIC: Building a theoretical Republic, anybody who wants to help come by, 5-6:30pm TONIGHT!
LOST: One virginity, please return. Will reward.
FREE: Come n get it!! got a fledgling democracy in my bkyard, freedom 4 all
MISSED CONNECTIONS: I was signifier, u were signified, but sumthin came btween us please call
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I Google Me
- Found that paper I wrote on trains in the third grade! Wow!
- Oh good, that nonprofit I worked for lists my name on their website. That'll be good for my resume.
- My ex put me on her Facebook "25 Things I Hate" list?! That's kinda petty.
- Oh wow, I'd forgotten all about that beer drinking contest I won in Reno.
- Why is my name on this racial hate site? They have a picture of me, too! I don't remember this at all!
- This editorial is totally wrong! I am definitely not a serial killer.
- I'm on the front page of CNN! "Wanted fugitive??"
- Oh look, the Amazon review I wrote on the candy-making kit. That kit was... Hey, what's that knock on the door? Are those sirens?
- Oh good, that nonprofit I worked for lists my name on their website. That'll be good for my resume.
- My ex put me on her Facebook "25 Things I Hate" list?! That's kinda petty.
- Oh wow, I'd forgotten all about that beer drinking contest I won in Reno.
- Why is my name on this racial hate site? They have a picture of me, too! I don't remember this at all!
- This editorial is totally wrong! I am definitely not a serial killer.
- I'm on the front page of CNN! "Wanted fugitive??"
- Oh look, the Amazon review I wrote on the candy-making kit. That kit was... Hey, what's that knock on the door? Are those sirens?
Pizza Disagreements
To Gerald Ferradoxine, esq.
WHEREAS, there was a pie of pizza to be ordered from a local practitioner of the FOOD to be delivered forthwith and with speed to the location in which both parties were residing,
and WHEREAS, the author of this letter did insist that he would be unwilling to consume or, indeed, to pay for any pizza unless it were to contain a reasonable trace of cheese, specifically of the mozzarella variety, as originated in the great land of ITALY,
and WHEREAS, the addressee did whine like a little six year old CHILD about wanting a vegan pizza, defined as one without a reasonable trace of CHEESE and therefore totally lame,
and WHEREAS, you forced the author of this letter to pay for the pizza because you "forgot your wallet," and further forced the author to view the film "Moulin Rouge" despite being informed that it was totally not the author's thing,
and WHEREAS, you were later seen eating a god damn chicken wing and aren't even vegan anyway and don't give me that "thought it was tofu" bull you tried last time,
it is THEREFORE DETERMINED that you a douche.
WHEREAS, there was a pie of pizza to be ordered from a local practitioner of the FOOD to be delivered forthwith and with speed to the location in which both parties were residing,
and WHEREAS, the author of this letter did insist that he would be unwilling to consume or, indeed, to pay for any pizza unless it were to contain a reasonable trace of cheese, specifically of the mozzarella variety, as originated in the great land of ITALY,
and WHEREAS, the addressee did whine like a little six year old CHILD about wanting a vegan pizza, defined as one without a reasonable trace of CHEESE and therefore totally lame,
and WHEREAS, you forced the author of this letter to pay for the pizza because you "forgot your wallet," and further forced the author to view the film "Moulin Rouge" despite being informed that it was totally not the author's thing,
and WHEREAS, you were later seen eating a god damn chicken wing and aren't even vegan anyway and don't give me that "thought it was tofu" bull you tried last time,
it is THEREFORE DETERMINED that you a douche.
Time-Savrs
- No time to watch movies? Just read the plot summary on Wikipedia! Just as good!
- Like music, but it's cutting into your study time? Play it at double speed!
- Cut your food shopping time in half by eating nothing but cured cabbage. It's the manna!
- Getting dressed in the morning? Just pick one pant leg! It's all you need.
- Internet too slow? Print out the whole thing beforehand for easy access!
- Takes too long to chew your cured cabbage? Just swallow it whole, then drink some extra stomach acid to help digest. Mmm-mm!
- Boyfriend/girlfriend wants all your time? Get them to cheat on you. Then you only have to deal with them half the time!
- Too much homework? Don't do it!
- Like music, but it's cutting into your study time? Play it at double speed!
- Cut your food shopping time in half by eating nothing but cured cabbage. It's the manna!
- Getting dressed in the morning? Just pick one pant leg! It's all you need.
- Internet too slow? Print out the whole thing beforehand for easy access!
- Takes too long to chew your cured cabbage? Just swallow it whole, then drink some extra stomach acid to help digest. Mmm-mm!
- Boyfriend/girlfriend wants all your time? Get them to cheat on you. Then you only have to deal with them half the time!
- Too much homework? Don't do it!
I Hate My Mac
Now, I'm no 'computer person,' or anything like that, but I know a lemon when I see one, and darn if that lemon ain't the brand new MacBook sitting on my desk.
Viruses and trojan horses, and heck! Even an ad-ware or two. I can tell they're just peeking at my hard-earned credit card numbers. Those little lights flash up and I know that another doggone hacker done broke in my computer!
"Sure," you may say, "maybe you got some of them viruses there, but why can't that spyware checker you got find it then?" Well I'll tell ya! Those good-for-nothing anti-viruses software don't know enough to catch true hackers! These guys got connections! Maybe even connections to the anti-virus software company. A little money out the back door so I have to have a dang lemon computer what needs fixed.
Giant hacker compounds is what they have. Yep. Underground! Thirty windowless stories dug in the ground of young men with wasted potential, just sittin' there n' hacking away. I can tell. When I get close to their underground lair, the shift key starts to feel sticky.
Tech support ain't help to noone neither. "Genius Squad?" Ha! Call up those little assholes, they tell me "No, sir, sorry, but Safari was not programmed by the Freemasons." Sure it wasn't. That's why the logo's a compass.
I need to find a way to fight back against these forces conspiring to make my computer nothing but a dang ol' lemon! But I just can't. It's too big for me. Bigger than all of us, really.
And to top it all off, the dang word processor takes way too long to start up! Like thirty seconds, I ain't kiddin'!
Viruses and trojan horses, and heck! Even an ad-ware or two. I can tell they're just peeking at my hard-earned credit card numbers. Those little lights flash up and I know that another doggone hacker done broke in my computer!
"Sure," you may say, "maybe you got some of them viruses there, but why can't that spyware checker you got find it then?" Well I'll tell ya! Those good-for-nothing anti-viruses software don't know enough to catch true hackers! These guys got connections! Maybe even connections to the anti-virus software company. A little money out the back door so I have to have a dang lemon computer what needs fixed.
Giant hacker compounds is what they have. Yep. Underground! Thirty windowless stories dug in the ground of young men with wasted potential, just sittin' there n' hacking away. I can tell. When I get close to their underground lair, the shift key starts to feel sticky.
Tech support ain't help to noone neither. "Genius Squad?" Ha! Call up those little assholes, they tell me "No, sir, sorry, but Safari was not programmed by the Freemasons." Sure it wasn't. That's why the logo's a compass.
I need to find a way to fight back against these forces conspiring to make my computer nothing but a dang ol' lemon! But I just can't. It's too big for me. Bigger than all of us, really.
And to top it all off, the dang word processor takes way too long to start up! Like thirty seconds, I ain't kiddin'!
Newsetry
Wide arms on a stimulating package
From where comes the money?
To where does it go?
And will the road it drives on finally be fixed?
---
There once was a home in Pakistan
That was hit by a bomb (not the plan)
Nine innocents died
And the pilot, he sighed
'Cause he heard about Britney's new tan
---
Dark eyes gaze at the jar of peanut butter
The last bite was safe, do I dare another?
Were I to die, who would tell my poor mother
to sue that fuck Planters, and get lawsuit butter?
---
The state? of the union
Words trickle down me like a
cat
on
a
bed
sleeping
serenely
I stare at the light peeking through my window, haranguing my thoughts and distracting my date with Obama.
"Wait," it says,
"Cars were invented in Germany, not America."
Impeach-
the-
asshole.
From where comes the money?
To where does it go?
And will the road it drives on finally be fixed?
---
There once was a home in Pakistan
That was hit by a bomb (not the plan)
Nine innocents died
And the pilot, he sighed
'Cause he heard about Britney's new tan
---
Dark eyes gaze at the jar of peanut butter
The last bite was safe, do I dare another?
Were I to die, who would tell my poor mother
to sue that fuck Planters, and get lawsuit butter?
---
The state? of the union
Words trickle down me like a
cat
on
a
bed
sleeping
serenely
I stare at the light peeking through my window, haranguing my thoughts and distracting my date with Obama.
"Wait," it says,
"Cars were invented in Germany, not America."
Impeach-
the-
asshole.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Cute Sweaters
How long has it been since you put on a cute, cuddly-wuddly little sweater? Maybe with some cats on it, or a Christmas tree? However long it's been, it's been too long! That is, unless you're wearing one right now. Who wants ice cream?
Have you been wearing the sweater I got you for Christmas? The one with Santa riding on a sleigh with children, pulled along by good old Rudolph, dropping presents from the sky? I know it's not Christmas anymore, I just love that sweater on you. Won't you put it on? Please? Oh please just put it on. Put it on or I'll cry.
Thank you. You make me so happy. Let me just pinch your cheek. Oh look, there's a piece of lint on your sweater. Let me just get that for you. There you go. All better!
Some people just don't appreciate my sweater collection. It's full of dancing teddy bears and children's drawings, and the details are outlined in sequins! That's just plain classy! People have told me that my sweaters are too boring, but that's just not true! If I ever need a little excitement, I can just go "crazy" with my Taz sweater. He's such a kooky character!
I hope you appreciate all these sweaters. You know, when I'm gone they're going to be all yours. Can you imagine that? All I left to your cousins is this dumb old house and my vast fortune. You get the best part of all: the sweaters! Just imagine jumping into that pile of sweaters and swimming around. That's what I do!
Now just come here and give your old 'na a hug. Ahh, yes, that's better. Just you and me, sweater to sweater, forever and ever. Isn't that great? You'll have plenty of sweaters and even though I'll be dead and rotting in the ground, you'll be wearing them every single day! Isn't that right? Tell me that I'm right. Tell me now.
Have you been wearing the sweater I got you for Christmas? The one with Santa riding on a sleigh with children, pulled along by good old Rudolph, dropping presents from the sky? I know it's not Christmas anymore, I just love that sweater on you. Won't you put it on? Please? Oh please just put it on. Put it on or I'll cry.
Thank you. You make me so happy. Let me just pinch your cheek. Oh look, there's a piece of lint on your sweater. Let me just get that for you. There you go. All better!
Some people just don't appreciate my sweater collection. It's full of dancing teddy bears and children's drawings, and the details are outlined in sequins! That's just plain classy! People have told me that my sweaters are too boring, but that's just not true! If I ever need a little excitement, I can just go "crazy" with my Taz sweater. He's such a kooky character!
I hope you appreciate all these sweaters. You know, when I'm gone they're going to be all yours. Can you imagine that? All I left to your cousins is this dumb old house and my vast fortune. You get the best part of all: the sweaters! Just imagine jumping into that pile of sweaters and swimming around. That's what I do!
Now just come here and give your old 'na a hug. Ahh, yes, that's better. Just you and me, sweater to sweater, forever and ever. Isn't that great? You'll have plenty of sweaters and even though I'll be dead and rotting in the ground, you'll be wearing them every single day! Isn't that right? Tell me that I'm right. Tell me now.
Open Source Tech Review
Today we will be reviewing IBM's brand new Pile of Junk [changed "DVD drive" to "Pile of Junk" since that's pretty much what it is - SamsungLova]. Released in the past few weeks [Not sure about this--- creation science has debunked carbon dating, so how do you really know? - JerryAndrews], this drive is compatible with Pile of Junk, Pile of Junk, Pile of Junk, and even Linux [just checking in - gotta go for accuracy - SamsungLova]. We will be testing the drive's capabilities and strengths in an unbiased way [Unbiased? HA HA. write this in Esperanto. English is tainted with the blood of thousands, murderer - RazeurFists].
First we set up the Pile of Junk [sup - SamsungLova] on a nice flat surface [are you sure it was ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY flat? did you use a protractor? This is very important. Please get back to me. - _____] and plugged it in [please change this sexist wording - AmeeLily] to the computer [changed this back. please leave, SamsungLova, or i will alert the moderators - LilSnitcha]. The results were amazing [Changed "astounding" to "amazing." please be careful not to violate copyright law, the magician's lobby is very strong. - JacktheAstounding].
The Pile of Junk [can't stop me, assholes - SamsungLova] was created [changed from "has evolved," please don't fall for the secularist lies - JerryAndrews] from its initial status as a lame goose [changed from "duck." fuck you buddy. i didn't work all my life at the pond eating breadcrumbs just to get called names - MarkMallard] product. The reading speed [changed back from "shitting speed," SamsungLova I am warning you the consequences will be DIRE - LilSnitcha] was faster than expected, and the Butt Cord [hahahaha - SamsungLova] was strong, unlike the last one [oh please, the last one was TOTALLY FINE. who wants to watch a dvd all at once anyway? movies are too fast these days. KIDS. - Sinatra1930].
Overall, this is a purchase we'd [changed from "I'd." please don't get cocky - NarutoBuff] recommend [changed from "shit on," SamsungLova your posts are childish and immature. i am calling in the moderator. i hope you're happy - LilSnitcha]. The price is about right [maybe change title to reflect sorrow over the retiring of the one god bob barker. rest in peace (because you are retired) - LoveCats], and it should be available at any major retailer. Don't miss your chance to get one now [You know who never got a chance? aborted fetuses. ENd ROW V WAID - GunsnButter] [Come off it. you have no right to my body - AmeeLily] [Do you want to send those little babies to hell? Why do that? Please save them. - Jerry Andrews] [Hey Hitler, do you just want to control everything? Go Goering yourself - 1984EVA] [BUTTS COCKS SHIT MAYA IS A DONKEY - SamsungLova] [Hey racists, leave your hands off black womens' bodies. And who's Maya? - PrincessUnicorn] [YOU are the real racist!! Affirmative action is racist!! Racists!! - GunsnButter] [EVERYONE IS BANNED - Moderator] or you'll miss out on a great product!
First we set up the Pile of Junk [sup - SamsungLova] on a nice flat surface [are you sure it was ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY flat? did you use a protractor? This is very important. Please get back to me. - _____] and plugged it in [please change this sexist wording - AmeeLily] to the computer [changed this back. please leave, SamsungLova, or i will alert the moderators - LilSnitcha]. The results were amazing [Changed "astounding" to "amazing." please be careful not to violate copyright law, the magician's lobby is very strong. - JacktheAstounding].
The Pile of Junk [can't stop me, assholes - SamsungLova] was created [changed from "has evolved," please don't fall for the secularist lies - JerryAndrews] from its initial status as a lame goose [changed from "duck." fuck you buddy. i didn't work all my life at the pond eating breadcrumbs just to get called names - MarkMallard] product. The reading speed [changed back from "shitting speed," SamsungLova I am warning you the consequences will be DIRE - LilSnitcha] was faster than expected, and the Butt Cord [hahahaha - SamsungLova] was strong, unlike the last one [oh please, the last one was TOTALLY FINE. who wants to watch a dvd all at once anyway? movies are too fast these days. KIDS. - Sinatra1930].
Overall, this is a purchase we'd [changed from "I'd." please don't get cocky - NarutoBuff] recommend [changed from "shit on," SamsungLova your posts are childish and immature. i am calling in the moderator. i hope you're happy - LilSnitcha]. The price is about right [maybe change title to reflect sorrow over the retiring of the one god bob barker. rest in peace (because you are retired) - LoveCats], and it should be available at any major retailer. Don't miss your chance to get one now [You know who never got a chance? aborted fetuses. ENd ROW V WAID - GunsnButter] [Come off it. you have no right to my body - AmeeLily] [Do you want to send those little babies to hell? Why do that? Please save them. - Jerry Andrews] [Hey Hitler, do you just want to control everything? Go Goering yourself - 1984EVA] [BUTTS COCKS SHIT MAYA IS A DONKEY - SamsungLova] [Hey racists, leave your hands off black womens' bodies. And who's Maya? - PrincessUnicorn] [YOU are the real racist!! Affirmative action is racist!! Racists!! - GunsnButter] [EVERYONE IS BANNED - Moderator] or you'll miss out on a great product!
Bringing Technology to History
* 1970 - Brought them a CD. They thanked me for the "Beatles-Themed Frisbee." I stopped them from throwing it but they called me a "bummer."
* 1945 - Showed up with a cell phone. "So you can go everywhere with a phone, can you?" they said. "But can you kill some fucking Nazis?" I could not. Also couldn't get any reception.
* 1800 - Gave a pair of Crocs to a woman. Ended up tied to a stake for three days for encouraging lewd behavior.
* 1500 - Found Leonardo da Vinci, gave him a toy helicopter. He tied a paintbrush to it and thanked me for this far simpler method of painting on the ceiling. "No way that Michaelangelo fuck is getting the contract now!"
* 1000 - Gave a peasant a Macbook Air. "Oh good," he said, "another thing we can use to shovel our shit."
* 30 - Gave Jesus a sleep number bed. He couldn't decide which side he liked best so he laid in the middle with arms outstretched.
* 2600 BC - Handed a video camera to the Egyptian pharaoh's court. They immediately started vlogging the pyramids.
* 10000 BC - Gave them a gun. They shot my time machine and now I'm still here.
* 1945 - Showed up with a cell phone. "So you can go everywhere with a phone, can you?" they said. "But can you kill some fucking Nazis?" I could not. Also couldn't get any reception.
* 1800 - Gave a pair of Crocs to a woman. Ended up tied to a stake for three days for encouraging lewd behavior.
* 1500 - Found Leonardo da Vinci, gave him a toy helicopter. He tied a paintbrush to it and thanked me for this far simpler method of painting on the ceiling. "No way that Michaelangelo fuck is getting the contract now!"
* 1000 - Gave a peasant a Macbook Air. "Oh good," he said, "another thing we can use to shovel our shit."
* 30 - Gave Jesus a sleep number bed. He couldn't decide which side he liked best so he laid in the middle with arms outstretched.
* 2600 BC - Handed a video camera to the Egyptian pharaoh's court. They immediately started vlogging the pyramids.
* 10000 BC - Gave them a gun. They shot my time machine and now I'm still here.
Funding Circus Minutes
10:00AM Spaghetti and wine in Vollum. Some vegan complained about the meat sauce. The student government now has no more vegans.
10:10AM Escorted by armed guard to the mediation room. An assassin from the Clark family is found, taken to 28 West for "questioning."
10:20AM Don Judge-Lord gives opening statements: "We are honored to be blessed by the presence of all the people in need of our assistance. Let the ceremonies begin." He removes his cape and sits down.
10:30AM Renn Fayre representatives enter the room, offering tribute.
Don Judge-Lord: "Ah yes. What a lovely stock of... ice cold coca cola. You are truly blessed. You may have your funds. Do not disappoint me." After kissing his ring, the czars leave the room, sweating.
10:40AM The Quest Board enters the office. Don Judge-Lord faces the window, hands held behind his back.
Don Judge-Lord: "You come in here to ask me for money? After offering such... disrespect? I love the bylaws like I love my own daughter, and you treat them like they are nothing."
Quest Board: "But Don, please, we went to your daughter's wedding! Do you remember? We paid our respects!"
Don Judge-Lord: "You are no family to me."
10:50AM: Bathroom break.
10:10AM Escorted by armed guard to the mediation room. An assassin from the Clark family is found, taken to 28 West for "questioning."
10:20AM Don Judge-Lord gives opening statements: "We are honored to be blessed by the presence of all the people in need of our assistance. Let the ceremonies begin." He removes his cape and sits down.
10:30AM Renn Fayre representatives enter the room, offering tribute.
Don Judge-Lord: "Ah yes. What a lovely stock of... ice cold coca cola. You are truly blessed. You may have your funds. Do not disappoint me." After kissing his ring, the czars leave the room, sweating.
10:40AM The Quest Board enters the office. Don Judge-Lord faces the window, hands held behind his back.
Don Judge-Lord: "You come in here to ask me for money? After offering such... disrespect? I love the bylaws like I love my own daughter, and you treat them like they are nothing."
Quest Board: "But Don, please, we went to your daughter's wedding! Do you remember? We paid our respects!"
Don Judge-Lord: "You are no family to me."
10:50AM: Bathroom break.
Door to Door Safety
Hello, ma'am. How are you doing today? No, wait, please don't slam the door. Did you know that slamming the door is a leading cause of my nose being broken? It's true. Yes, I will come inside. Thank you.
Ma'am, it is imperative that you pay attention. Look around you. See that lamp? If it were ever to be turned off, you might stub your toe in the dark. And that kitchen table? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, ma'am, but wood is flammable. Let me demonstrate. See those scorch marks? That could have been your hair. The table has to go.
Yes, ma'am, you're right to be frightened. There are dangers all around us every day. Have you ever considered the possibility that in an emergency, a thread of your clothing will get caught, preventing your escape from a deadly situation like a computer crash? This is why, as you may have noticed, I wear only saran wrap.
Physical dangers are not the only threat to worry about, ma'am. Identity theft is a growing problem. For example, by simply paying off your neighbors and rooting through your trash, I was able to charge thousands of dollars to your credit card. Don't worry, I spent it all on very safe things. Although for next time, I would be appreciative if you were to sanitize your trash a little better.
I can see you're worried. This is understandable, ma'am. However, you must try hard to stay calm. Worried people themselves are a source of danger. Ma'am, calm down or I will have to call my associates to remove your children from this dangerous home. No, ma'am, I said calm down, not scream. I'm sorry, ma'am, but your children will now be taken to a much safer location. I hope the well-being of your children relieves you a little.
I can see that you're upset. I was upset too, the first time I learned about all the dangers in the world. Please don't cry. Tears are a common vector of contagious diseases. I will have to protect myself by getting away from you. Please be kind enough to dump this bucket of sunscreen on my head and I'll be off. Ma'am? Ma'am, please.
Why you, you ask? You see, ma'am, I found your name and address on a list of people who did not pay attention to the airplane safety briefing. Yes, ma'am, they do keep track of that.
Ma'am, it is imperative that you pay attention. Look around you. See that lamp? If it were ever to be turned off, you might stub your toe in the dark. And that kitchen table? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, ma'am, but wood is flammable. Let me demonstrate. See those scorch marks? That could have been your hair. The table has to go.
Yes, ma'am, you're right to be frightened. There are dangers all around us every day. Have you ever considered the possibility that in an emergency, a thread of your clothing will get caught, preventing your escape from a deadly situation like a computer crash? This is why, as you may have noticed, I wear only saran wrap.
Physical dangers are not the only threat to worry about, ma'am. Identity theft is a growing problem. For example, by simply paying off your neighbors and rooting through your trash, I was able to charge thousands of dollars to your credit card. Don't worry, I spent it all on very safe things. Although for next time, I would be appreciative if you were to sanitize your trash a little better.
I can see you're worried. This is understandable, ma'am. However, you must try hard to stay calm. Worried people themselves are a source of danger. Ma'am, calm down or I will have to call my associates to remove your children from this dangerous home. No, ma'am, I said calm down, not scream. I'm sorry, ma'am, but your children will now be taken to a much safer location. I hope the well-being of your children relieves you a little.
I can see that you're upset. I was upset too, the first time I learned about all the dangers in the world. Please don't cry. Tears are a common vector of contagious diseases. I will have to protect myself by getting away from you. Please be kind enough to dump this bucket of sunscreen on my head and I'll be off. Ma'am? Ma'am, please.
Why you, you ask? You see, ma'am, I found your name and address on a list of people who did not pay attention to the airplane safety briefing. Yes, ma'am, they do keep track of that.
Valentines for Plants
(FRONT) I want to buy you diamond rings.
(INSIDE) But you already have so many regular ones.
(FRONT) I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, and the stars.
(INSIDE) Especially the sun, I know you really like that one.
(FRONT) I'm stuck on you.
(INSIDE) What a sap!
(FRONT) You're growing on me.
(INSIDE) 'Cause you're such a fungi.
(FRONT) You'd better not leaf me!
(INSIDE) I made this card out of the pulp of my exes.
(FRONT) We really have something special.
(INSIDE) The others are green with envy.
(FRONT) I am irreversibly emotionally damaged from having previous lovers treat me poorly.
(INSIDE) I'm glad you're inanimate.
(INSIDE) But you already have so many regular ones.
(FRONT) I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, and the stars.
(INSIDE) Especially the sun, I know you really like that one.
(FRONT) I'm stuck on you.
(INSIDE) What a sap!
(FRONT) You're growing on me.
(INSIDE) 'Cause you're such a fungi.
(FRONT) You'd better not leaf me!
(INSIDE) I made this card out of the pulp of my exes.
(FRONT) We really have something special.
(INSIDE) The others are green with envy.
(FRONT) I am irreversibly emotionally damaged from having previous lovers treat me poorly.
(INSIDE) I'm glad you're inanimate.
Sarah Snub Sparks Scandal
Controversy erupted this Friday at Alameda Elementary when seven-year old Sarah Henderson refused to bring a Valentine for fellow classmate Corey Parker.
"I don't like him!" Sarah reported. "He's a poop!" She then giggled.
This snub is the latest in the long history of coldness between Sarah and Corey, which famously began last March when Corey pushed Sarah down during recess. Sarah told reporters that she did not feel the twenty minute time out was a sufficient punishment.
"It was a miscarriage of justice, and I'm not getting him a Valentine, so there!" Sarah then stuck out her tongue.
"Obviously, I'm disappointed. I made it very clear that students were not to bring Valentines unless they brought one for each student. That's why I gave her a detention," said Mrs. Swanson, the students' teacher. "What he did was wrong, but we won't accept vigilante justice."
A small group of radicals had planned to protest the detention, but they forgot and played kickball instead.
"I don't like him!" Sarah reported. "He's a poop!" She then giggled.
This snub is the latest in the long history of coldness between Sarah and Corey, which famously began last March when Corey pushed Sarah down during recess. Sarah told reporters that she did not feel the twenty minute time out was a sufficient punishment.
"It was a miscarriage of justice, and I'm not getting him a Valentine, so there!" Sarah then stuck out her tongue.
"Obviously, I'm disappointed. I made it very clear that students were not to bring Valentines unless they brought one for each student. That's why I gave her a detention," said Mrs. Swanson, the students' teacher. "What he did was wrong, but we won't accept vigilante justice."
A small group of radicals had planned to protest the detention, but they forgot and played kickball instead.
Caricature Artist Speaks Out
The quickest way to a person's heart may be through their stomach, but the quickest way to their soul is through their face! Too many people don't really appreciate the services we caricature artists provide. We sit outside all day, taking on all comers. It's a grueling job, but a rewarding one.
Look at a caricature. What do you see? I see honesty. The giant nose I draw on a child is the nose they feel on the inside. The nose whose nostrils, until now, have been unable to breathe free the air of the world. Perhaps each of us has their own special nose, tucked away in some secret place. Show me your nose, and I will show you yourself.
It's truly an art. I mean, duh, it's an art. I'm drawing. But I mean it's really an art. It searches our ideals and pulls out the commandments that make us who we are. It's like double-art. I wonder how many arts it is if you make a caricature that goes really really deep into the soul? Probably like five. I'm operating at a three-art level, myself, personally (me).
But back to the point. Who are you truly, beneath that three-dimensional veneer? I bet you don't even know. I only need to take one look. You. You're a spaceship type of personality. And you, you, you're in front of a chalkboard. And you? Oh my god. You're a dune buggy. Get out of my sight.
I'm not going to say that caricature drawing is the most perfect thing you could do ever. That would be taking it too far. Let's just say it's the most perfect thing you can do as a human being and leave it at that. I don't want to come off as self-important. Because it's your self that's important.
People ask me, sometimes, if I can draw them a certain way. No, no I can't. I can't lie to you, lie to your whole family, lie to everyone who might ever see the caricature which I will give you and you will then hang on your wall. So stop whining when I give you buck teeth. It just means you're insightful.
Caricatures, caricatures, caricatures. I am the moving artist of the night, although I work exclusively during the day, on the pier. I caricature the squirrels, the sun. I caricatured a bowl of fruit. I didn't call it still life. I called it real life. The secrets of your mind will be revealed to me and my pen as you sit in my chair. So beware, meek denizen of the boardwalk. Do you really want to know thyself? I do. I am born into the life I was meant to lead. So approach me slowly, that I might put pen to paper and give you the gift of yourself.
This Week in Calculator Words
When the communist presence on the internet is surprisingly okay with pollution:
36718 361780 56078 3145708 ,4506
What the last president did on January 20th, 2009:
.0.4.8 53760 ,54615 ,5306 .8.6
Pigs knew about global warming all along:
8176 5604 ",45008" 5306 ,57108 38016
Santa's best gift idea ever:
58008 5807 461375
Why ear doctors are so rich:
3215-607 53704 !218 618 53807
How Hitler gets a cab:
57134 34
36718 361780 56078 3145708 ,4506
What the last president did on January 20th, 2009:
.0.4.8 53760 ,54615 ,5306 .8.6
Pigs knew about global warming all along:
8176 5604 ",45008" 5306 ,57108 38016
Santa's best gift idea ever:
58008 5807 461375
Why ear doctors are so rich:
3215-607 53704 !218 618 53807
How Hitler gets a cab:
57134 34
The Mission of the Pamphlette
10-4, good buddy. Check the rear view mirrors. Rearrange the convoy. Leave no man behind. Batten down the hatches. Don't for one second look up, look around you, waver from your mission for even a moment, or you may lose grip of the spirit of Reed, the Reed indomitable spirit, enmeshed in our holy vision of a weekly student newspaper. For we are the light, the guide, the pioneer to the heart of the Reedie. For we are The Pamphlette.
Our prophecy is to sanctify the campus with the word, The Truth. "Pamphlette" is derived from its latin root "Pamph" which means "truth" in Sanskrit. And we will work tirelessly to bring that prophecy to life, such that Nicolas Kristopolous, the holy founder, might return to bring back with him all the Pamphlette readers to the kingdom of paradise. Amen.
And in that holy hour, when the light is dim but the spirit is bright, we will emerge from the depths of the Reed Library and we will call to the Doyle Owl: "FREE US, FREE US FROM OUR SINS!" And we will masturbate to The Iliad and we will complain about our thesis, and cum will flow like wine in a Dionysian festival of cum.
We are one. We are Reed. We are PAMPHLETTE.
Remember that slogan, that piece of linguistic harmony, as you wander through your day, waiting for those hallowed Mondays (or sometimes Tuesdays) when the writ falls into your hands. We work hard to bring this to you. The ink is mixed well with our blood and our tears, and stirred with our fingers, worn down by our labors.
And so we are, standing strong. The weight and eyes of the world are upon us. We glimmer with vaseline and the hope of a campus.
We plant our flag of editorial control on the tip of the highest mountain. And you watch, attention rapt as the world turns around us. We hope that you are paying attention, because nothing is more important than the administration of the local school newspaper.
Our prophecy is to sanctify the campus with the word, The Truth. "Pamphlette" is derived from its latin root "Pamph" which means "truth" in Sanskrit. And we will work tirelessly to bring that prophecy to life, such that Nicolas Kristopolous, the holy founder, might return to bring back with him all the Pamphlette readers to the kingdom of paradise. Amen.
And in that holy hour, when the light is dim but the spirit is bright, we will emerge from the depths of the Reed Library and we will call to the Doyle Owl: "FREE US, FREE US FROM OUR SINS!" And we will masturbate to The Iliad and we will complain about our thesis, and cum will flow like wine in a Dionysian festival of cum.
We are one. We are Reed. We are PAMPHLETTE.
Remember that slogan, that piece of linguistic harmony, as you wander through your day, waiting for those hallowed Mondays (or sometimes Tuesdays) when the writ falls into your hands. We work hard to bring this to you. The ink is mixed well with our blood and our tears, and stirred with our fingers, worn down by our labors.
And so we are, standing strong. The weight and eyes of the world are upon us. We glimmer with vaseline and the hope of a campus.
We plant our flag of editorial control on the tip of the highest mountain. And you watch, attention rapt as the world turns around us. We hope that you are paying attention, because nothing is more important than the administration of the local school newspaper.
Well SOMEBODY Sucks
YOU SUCK
Hey jackoff, why don't you come down to my house and I'll show you where you can stuff my mailbox: up your asshole. I'm trying to find a place that's big enough to store it, and I'm thinking your cavernous butt is a great location. It works out perfectly: your head is always stuck up there anyway, so you can read my mail.
Your face is so ugly, I'm almost thankful for your fashion sense. After all, nothing can draw the eye away from an open sewer like a car wreck, and believe me, that shirt definitely qualifies. Where do you get your clothes, anyway? Do you shop at goodwill right after tourist season is over?
Hey, at least you've made one person proud! Your mom must be so grateful that you've never tried to impress anybody else in your life. It just means you're close to her.
NO, YOU SUCK
Hey buddy, nice little diatribe there. Your third grade English teacher must be so pleased that you finally learned how to read and write! And let's not forget all the people whose lives you've made better with your patronage: the porn dealers, the authors of Marmaduke, and the barons of the grease industry.
Anyway, don't worry about it. I'm sure someday you'll find someone willing to sleep with you. And by the time you do I'm sure Universal Health Care will be in place, so when you have to cure yourself of every STD at once it will be free.
Who could resist loving a little scamp like you? Besides the haircut straight out of a Michael Jackson music video, the aversion to bathing, and the inability to do anything worthwhile with your life, you're just a bundle of fun. Speaking of which, give my regards to that one kid in middle school who was willing to talk to you, if he hasn't killed himself yet.
Hey jackoff, why don't you come down to my house and I'll show you where you can stuff my mailbox: up your asshole. I'm trying to find a place that's big enough to store it, and I'm thinking your cavernous butt is a great location. It works out perfectly: your head is always stuck up there anyway, so you can read my mail.
Your face is so ugly, I'm almost thankful for your fashion sense. After all, nothing can draw the eye away from an open sewer like a car wreck, and believe me, that shirt definitely qualifies. Where do you get your clothes, anyway? Do you shop at goodwill right after tourist season is over?
Hey, at least you've made one person proud! Your mom must be so grateful that you've never tried to impress anybody else in your life. It just means you're close to her.
NO, YOU SUCK
Hey buddy, nice little diatribe there. Your third grade English teacher must be so pleased that you finally learned how to read and write! And let's not forget all the people whose lives you've made better with your patronage: the porn dealers, the authors of Marmaduke, and the barons of the grease industry.
Anyway, don't worry about it. I'm sure someday you'll find someone willing to sleep with you. And by the time you do I'm sure Universal Health Care will be in place, so when you have to cure yourself of every STD at once it will be free.
Who could resist loving a little scamp like you? Besides the haircut straight out of a Michael Jackson music video, the aversion to bathing, and the inability to do anything worthwhile with your life, you're just a bundle of fun. Speaking of which, give my regards to that one kid in middle school who was willing to talk to you, if he hasn't killed himself yet.
An Admission from the Desk of Carter Brighton
Americans, when you elected me I assured you of one thing, one thing above all others: honesty. My contract with the people is to peel back the layers of Washington obfuscation to reveal my acts like a stripper releasing herself from the confines of her ever-so-tightly fit unmentionables.
On that note, we will begin. As some of you may have heard, it is indeed true that my daughter has been seen frequenting strip clubs recently. It is imperative that I point out that she is an employee of these strip clubs - my daughter has never been nor will she ever be a lesbian; I've seen to that. The criticism she and I have received for this I find reprehensible. Since when do we disparage our young citizens for getting a job and contributing to society? I, for one, support my daughter in any endeavor she chooses to take up, one dollar at a time.
Another issue I fear I must address is the accusation, made with a disturbingly increasing frequency, that I used state funds to line my own pockets. It appears that political discourse in this country never moved past 19th century 'fat cat' caricatures, so pathetic is this allegation. I hold, and believe that my constituency will agree, that the purchase of knick knacks from my home for multiple times their value is simply a service I provide! Where else is the state going to find things to put in the museum of me that I'm having them build?
Of course, there is still the lingering issue of my vote on the Passover Bill. While I have been criticized for my support of this measure, I stand strong in my convictions. And really, isn't that what you should want in a politician? You know where I stand. Anyway, I only voted for it because I didn't think it would actually pass. My sincere apologies to anyone who lost their first born child. However, I still contend that we need to find some way to reduce college overcrowding in this country, and you can't say I haven't tried.
And so I've bared my soul to you, the American people. I hope you value honesty and integrity in your politicians, for I think that in this I have proven myself a paragon of both. In closing, I count on your support as a member of my constituency. That's why I'm happy to announce a new campaign tax, funds from which will ensure that the incumbent senator who is the most loved by the people (as determined by me) gets just a little help with their election campaigns. Just another way to fight those slimy government insiders in Washington!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
TV Listings
8:00PM Two and a Half Men
Charlie and Allen go on a photo taking tour of the Louvre. Jake begins a sincere discussion on the status of photographs of art as art. Jimmy Fallon guest stars.
8:30PM The Office
Dwight quits his job and builds a home for himself on a beach where he can be alone. His beachside shack is found only after vigorous detective work by Jim. Dwight’s remains are inside, his hand clutching a diorama of himself as a Christ figure, revealing the squalor of broken dreams and loneliness.
9:00PM House MD
House begins writing a novel, a deconstructionist analysis of his own anger and pain. Upon completion of his masterwork, he finds international fame on the writing circuit but discovers he has lost his ability to cure people. We are all warned never to question the miraculous gifts we receive from almighty God. Plus, House acts like an asshole.
10:00PM The Biggest Loser
Blaine and Gregory consider the possibility that weight issues are not as important as reconnecting with their children who have refused to speak to them for ten years. Despite their offers of graciousness and kindness, their children refuse, reciting to the secret camera a monologue about bridges best left burnt. Blaine cuts out a section of her stomach, crying, and lays it at her son’s feet.
10:30PM The Simpsons
Homer displays through communicative dance his discouragement at being the eternally bumbling drunk father figure, relaying to Lisa the futility of any attempts at escape from the life which is so beneath her. Distraught, she detaches fully from the world and wastes away to nothing in a misguided attempt to free herself from earthly necessities. Her final words are spoken as she lays in her mother’s arms: “Kill yourself.”
Charlie and Allen go on a photo taking tour of the Louvre. Jake begins a sincere discussion on the status of photographs of art as art. Jimmy Fallon guest stars.
8:30PM The Office
Dwight quits his job and builds a home for himself on a beach where he can be alone. His beachside shack is found only after vigorous detective work by Jim. Dwight’s remains are inside, his hand clutching a diorama of himself as a Christ figure, revealing the squalor of broken dreams and loneliness.
9:00PM House MD
House begins writing a novel, a deconstructionist analysis of his own anger and pain. Upon completion of his masterwork, he finds international fame on the writing circuit but discovers he has lost his ability to cure people. We are all warned never to question the miraculous gifts we receive from almighty God. Plus, House acts like an asshole.
10:00PM The Biggest Loser
Blaine and Gregory consider the possibility that weight issues are not as important as reconnecting with their children who have refused to speak to them for ten years. Despite their offers of graciousness and kindness, their children refuse, reciting to the secret camera a monologue about bridges best left burnt. Blaine cuts out a section of her stomach, crying, and lays it at her son’s feet.
10:30PM The Simpsons
Homer displays through communicative dance his discouragement at being the eternally bumbling drunk father figure, relaying to Lisa the futility of any attempts at escape from the life which is so beneath her. Distraught, she detaches fully from the world and wastes away to nothing in a misguided attempt to free herself from earthly necessities. Her final words are spoken as she lays in her mother’s arms: “Kill yourself.”
Global Warming Debunked Due to Cold Weather
Fears over global warming came to an end last week as people around the world uniformly noticed the cold weather.
"Yeah, right," said global warming denial expert Flatts Terrace. "Global WARMing my ass. It was thirty degrees today!"
Well-known propagandist and inventor of global warming Al Gore reported feeling humbled.
"I just never thought people would piece it together. How was I supposed to know that winter was going to happen and just ruin everything! You'd have thought I would have accounted for that in the theory. I rue the day I trusted those climatologists!"
The revelation has spurred a relaxation of environmental law. A press release from Coal Solutions, inc. expressed relief that they were not warming the planet and laid out a schedule for dumping more carbon dioxide into the air than ever before.
"I can just imagine that fat sack of shit Gore building a snowman right now. How's that for just desserts! Next time you try some fancy scientific 'theory,' make sure your global prediction doesn't contradict my personal, anecdotal, and momentary experience! I'm Flatts Terrace, dammit! And there ain't no scientist knows better than me!"
Flatts Terrace is well known for his recent book, Global Warming? In My Day We Called it Summer!
"Yeah, right," said global warming denial expert Flatts Terrace. "Global WARMing my ass. It was thirty degrees today!"
Well-known propagandist and inventor of global warming Al Gore reported feeling humbled.
"I just never thought people would piece it together. How was I supposed to know that winter was going to happen and just ruin everything! You'd have thought I would have accounted for that in the theory. I rue the day I trusted those climatologists!"
The revelation has spurred a relaxation of environmental law. A press release from Coal Solutions, inc. expressed relief that they were not warming the planet and laid out a schedule for dumping more carbon dioxide into the air than ever before.
"I can just imagine that fat sack of shit Gore building a snowman right now. How's that for just desserts! Next time you try some fancy scientific 'theory,' make sure your global prediction doesn't contradict my personal, anecdotal, and momentary experience! I'm Flatts Terrace, dammit! And there ain't no scientist knows better than me!"
Flatts Terrace is well known for his recent book, Global Warming? In My Day We Called it Summer!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Joke Stolen
Please help someone. Oh my god I woke up this morning and I couldn't find it. There's a thief somewhere. I'm just going a LITTLE off the HINGES here because I can't find my JOKE.
It was such a good joke. It started out with "hey there's something or other walking into a bar" and ended up being really funny. Where is my joke? I want my joke back. I can't imagine life any more without my joke. Please bring it back to me.
I called up my friend, who is a comedian. I asked him about my joke. "Oh, you lost your joke, huh? You know what that reminds me of? Octopuses. Why do they need eight legs? I got two and sometimes I trip up over that! I can't even imagine - eight legs! Ain't it crazy, folks? But no, seriously folks, I didn't take your joke I swear."
My friend said he didn't have my joke but I don't know what to do. I looked all over my house. I looked in the fridge. Under the couch. Inside the washing machine. There is just NO JOKE ANYWHERE please tell me where my joke is PLEASE I can't take it any more.
I went outside looking for my joke. I asked everybody on the street. EVERY SINGLE PERSON! But nobody knew about my joke. Someone tried to give me a new joke but it's not the same! I want my old joke back! Why is this happening to me?
I called up my comedian friend again. "Look, I'm tellin' you I don't have your joke. But you know what I do have? Not enough money! Always with money, you know, you never have enough! Isn't that crazy? I know I feel that way. But really, don't call me again today, I'm busy."
I shut off my phone and collapsed on the steps of city hall. I called to the sky, "WHY?" Why can't I have my joke any more? Where is my joke? I just want my joke back, please! That's all I'm asking for!
The mayor came out of city hall, and he looked at me. I looked back at him with watery eyes, wretched and jokeless on the ground. He shook his head at me. No! No, Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor I had a joke to tell you. "Well, where is the joke?" he asked. But I did not know where the joke was. He shook his head at me. "I'm very disappointed in you," he said.
The mayor got into a limousine. As he opened the door I noticed someone else in the car - it was my comedian friend! And he was holding my joke! "NO!" I yelled, and ran after the limousine. "Don't pay any attention to him," said my comedian friend, "or to tabloids! What is up with them anyway, it's like they make all those stories up!"
I leapt after the limousine, but it was driving away. It suddenly started raining and I fell on the ground in a puddle of mud. I could hear laughing... laughing at MY JOKE in the car as they sped away. I cried out to the world "WHY ME?" but it was too late.
Ever since then I have sat in my room, writing joke, after joke, after joke. But none of them are the same. None of them are quite as good. Why, oh why did you have to take my joke away?
It was such a good joke. It started out with "hey there's something or other walking into a bar" and ended up being really funny. Where is my joke? I want my joke back. I can't imagine life any more without my joke. Please bring it back to me.
I called up my friend, who is a comedian. I asked him about my joke. "Oh, you lost your joke, huh? You know what that reminds me of? Octopuses. Why do they need eight legs? I got two and sometimes I trip up over that! I can't even imagine - eight legs! Ain't it crazy, folks? But no, seriously folks, I didn't take your joke I swear."
My friend said he didn't have my joke but I don't know what to do. I looked all over my house. I looked in the fridge. Under the couch. Inside the washing machine. There is just NO JOKE ANYWHERE please tell me where my joke is PLEASE I can't take it any more.
I went outside looking for my joke. I asked everybody on the street. EVERY SINGLE PERSON! But nobody knew about my joke. Someone tried to give me a new joke but it's not the same! I want my old joke back! Why is this happening to me?
I called up my comedian friend again. "Look, I'm tellin' you I don't have your joke. But you know what I do have? Not enough money! Always with money, you know, you never have enough! Isn't that crazy? I know I feel that way. But really, don't call me again today, I'm busy."
I shut off my phone and collapsed on the steps of city hall. I called to the sky, "WHY?" Why can't I have my joke any more? Where is my joke? I just want my joke back, please! That's all I'm asking for!
The mayor came out of city hall, and he looked at me. I looked back at him with watery eyes, wretched and jokeless on the ground. He shook his head at me. No! No, Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor I had a joke to tell you. "Well, where is the joke?" he asked. But I did not know where the joke was. He shook his head at me. "I'm very disappointed in you," he said.
The mayor got into a limousine. As he opened the door I noticed someone else in the car - it was my comedian friend! And he was holding my joke! "NO!" I yelled, and ran after the limousine. "Don't pay any attention to him," said my comedian friend, "or to tabloids! What is up with them anyway, it's like they make all those stories up!"
I leapt after the limousine, but it was driving away. It suddenly started raining and I fell on the ground in a puddle of mud. I could hear laughing... laughing at MY JOKE in the car as they sped away. I cried out to the world "WHY ME?" but it was too late.
Ever since then I have sat in my room, writing joke, after joke, after joke. But none of them are the same. None of them are quite as good. Why, oh why did you have to take my joke away?
Short Articles
TIME RUNNING OUT
Prominent experts released a unified statement yesterday warning citizens that time was, indeed, running out.
"Be aware that you continually have less time than you used to. By the time you finish reading this message you will have even less. Sucks to be you!"
The message was prompted by the experts' invention of a machine that preserves the amount of time they have indefinitely. They do not plan on sharing.
CELL PHONES SAVE ANOTHER LIFE
Sheila Anderson ran out of gas in the middle of the desert last Tuesday. It was 110 degrees in the shade, and she had no water. Things looked bleak for the desert-hopper.
"I wasn't sure what to do! The Desert Patrol would have a hard time finding me, and wouldn't know where I was!"
In a stroke of luck, she had her cell phone with her. She was able to eat the phone, which gave her enough energy to wait for rescuers.
LITTLE BABIES ARE CUTE
Aww, did you see that little ol' baby over there? I just thought he was the cutiest, pootiest, little darling I have ever did see. I just wanted to go over to it and say "pookie poo! pookie poo!" but I have a restraining order. Still a cute baby!
BABY FILES FOR RESTRAINING ORDER
Yesterday millions of babies rejoiced at the first piece of legislation putting an automatic restraining order on anybody found guilty of pinching cheeks.
"It's a twavesty dat anybuddy is awwowed to degwade us in dis fassiun!" said Tyler Johansen, a prominent baby lawyer who took the case pwo bono.
DILL WEED
I don't care what those kids call me! So what? Maybe I wear four pairs of glasses and have no exposed skin due to my acne problems. I don't care! Let them call me a 'dill weed'! As a matter of fact, dill weed is a popular herb used in cooking, and is a part of such cherished delicacies as dill pickles, so maybe being a dill weed isn't so bad after all! Did you think of THAT, stupid bullies? Don't you like dill pickles? Maybe you should like me too! Please like me!
SNOW
Yesterday snow fell from the sky. Snow is a substance that used to be water but it got too cold! Then the little water droplets got kissed by God and fell from the sky so that we can play in it. What is your favorite snowflake? Mine too! Remember, don't throw snowballs at your mom or she will get mad.
SNOWBALL ASSAULT
CSO's are still investigating a mysterious snowballing incident which took place outside the Health Center yesterday. An unidentified assailant emerged from the bushes, threw a snowball, and managed to escape. The victim is now being treated for a really stingy cheek.
VEGETARIAN FOOD RECIPE
1. Take all your food and put it together.
2. Take out all the meat.
3. Cook it (slowly).
Prominent experts released a unified statement yesterday warning citizens that time was, indeed, running out.
"Be aware that you continually have less time than you used to. By the time you finish reading this message you will have even less. Sucks to be you!"
The message was prompted by the experts' invention of a machine that preserves the amount of time they have indefinitely. They do not plan on sharing.
CELL PHONES SAVE ANOTHER LIFE
Sheila Anderson ran out of gas in the middle of the desert last Tuesday. It was 110 degrees in the shade, and she had no water. Things looked bleak for the desert-hopper.
"I wasn't sure what to do! The Desert Patrol would have a hard time finding me, and wouldn't know where I was!"
In a stroke of luck, she had her cell phone with her. She was able to eat the phone, which gave her enough energy to wait for rescuers.
LITTLE BABIES ARE CUTE
Aww, did you see that little ol' baby over there? I just thought he was the cutiest, pootiest, little darling I have ever did see. I just wanted to go over to it and say "pookie poo! pookie poo!" but I have a restraining order. Still a cute baby!
BABY FILES FOR RESTRAINING ORDER
Yesterday millions of babies rejoiced at the first piece of legislation putting an automatic restraining order on anybody found guilty of pinching cheeks.
"It's a twavesty dat anybuddy is awwowed to degwade us in dis fassiun!" said Tyler Johansen, a prominent baby lawyer who took the case pwo bono.
DILL WEED
I don't care what those kids call me! So what? Maybe I wear four pairs of glasses and have no exposed skin due to my acne problems. I don't care! Let them call me a 'dill weed'! As a matter of fact, dill weed is a popular herb used in cooking, and is a part of such cherished delicacies as dill pickles, so maybe being a dill weed isn't so bad after all! Did you think of THAT, stupid bullies? Don't you like dill pickles? Maybe you should like me too! Please like me!
SNOW
Yesterday snow fell from the sky. Snow is a substance that used to be water but it got too cold! Then the little water droplets got kissed by God and fell from the sky so that we can play in it. What is your favorite snowflake? Mine too! Remember, don't throw snowballs at your mom or she will get mad.
SNOWBALL ASSAULT
CSO's are still investigating a mysterious snowballing incident which took place outside the Health Center yesterday. An unidentified assailant emerged from the bushes, threw a snowball, and managed to escape. The victim is now being treated for a really stingy cheek.
VEGETARIAN FOOD RECIPE
1. Take all your food and put it together.
2. Take out all the meat.
3. Cook it (slowly).
(The Last) Major Joke of the Week
Economics major A: Have you seen Damon recently?
Economics major B: No, haven't you heard? He got addicted to opiates! He's been in the hospital for weeks!
Economics major A: But I talked to his boss at Lowe's recently, and she said he'd been coming into work every day!
Economics major B: She was probably just trying to save face.
Economics major A: Well, that explains why he's so hard to find. High Damon, and Lowe's up 'n lies!
Economics major B: No, haven't you heard? He got addicted to opiates! He's been in the hospital for weeks!
Economics major A: But I talked to his boss at Lowe's recently, and she said he'd been coming into work every day!
Economics major B: She was probably just trying to save face.
Economics major A: Well, that explains why he's so hard to find. High Damon, and Lowe's up 'n lies!
Last Minute Spring/Fall Thesis
Gender Inequality in Financing
by Lisa Gallows
Money issues continually plague woman at a higher rate then men (Lisa Gallows Bank Statement, US Bank 2008). This is bad. Sometimes women spent to much on thinks they could get cheaper (Safeway Coupon Book 2008). Sometims banks make loans (Banks.com 2008) but sometimes it is hard to get them. This is an important issue between men and women. "loan equality" has a 2,460,000 hits on Google (Google.com 2008). Similarly, "men women" has a G-rating of 57,900,000 (Google.com 2008). This paper will look at that.
Men have an easyer time getting money sometimes. "I do okay with money," some men say (personal conversation, Jared Darden 2008). Sometimes women go through other hardships as well, such as breaking up with your boyfriend or loosing a movie role (People Magazine 2008). Loans could help but banks will not give you a loan just bcause you broke up with your boyfriend or are running behind on your thesis (personal conversation, US Bank Loan Manager 2008).
Women earn les than men for the same job (Wal-Mart Employee Handbook 2007) and this can make it hard for loan. It should be easyer for women to be fiscally autonomous (Westlie Ford/Mercury Advertisement 2008). This is expressed in the fllowing behavior model:
$ = (Male + Job + Loan)/Inequality
Clearly you can see that this means things.
One of hte things it means is that there should be less inequality because thne there is more money ($). More money can be spent on things like McDonald's Dollar Menu (TV 2008). My conclusion is that therefore there should be less inequlity for men and women. If this were true it would be good (The Office 2007). The end.
by Lisa Gallows
Money issues continually plague woman at a higher rate then men (Lisa Gallows Bank Statement, US Bank 2008). This is bad. Sometimes women spent to much on thinks they could get cheaper (Safeway Coupon Book 2008). Sometims banks make loans (Banks.com 2008) but sometimes it is hard to get them. This is an important issue between men and women. "loan equality" has a 2,460,000 hits on Google (Google.com 2008). Similarly, "men women" has a G-rating of 57,900,000 (Google.com 2008). This paper will look at that.
Men have an easyer time getting money sometimes. "I do okay with money," some men say (personal conversation, Jared Darden 2008). Sometimes women go through other hardships as well, such as breaking up with your boyfriend or loosing a movie role (People Magazine 2008). Loans could help but banks will not give you a loan just bcause you broke up with your boyfriend or are running behind on your thesis (personal conversation, US Bank Loan Manager 2008).
Women earn les than men for the same job (Wal-Mart Employee Handbook 2007) and this can make it hard for loan. It should be easyer for women to be fiscally autonomous (Westlie Ford/Mercury Advertisement 2008). This is expressed in the fllowing behavior model:
$ = (Male + Job + Loan)/Inequality
Clearly you can see that this means things.
One of hte things it means is that there should be less inequality because thne there is more money ($). More money can be spent on things like McDonald's Dollar Menu (TV 2008). My conclusion is that therefore there should be less inequlity for men and women. If this were true it would be good (The Office 2007). The end.
Major Joke of the Week
PHYSICS MAJOR A: So I've got this centipede tied by a string to a stake. Look! He's walking in circles.
PHYSICS MAJOR B: Wow! That's kind of cool. He's getting pulled inward, but he keeps trying to walk straight. Why is that?
PHYSICS MAJOR A: Centipedal force.
PHYSICS MAJOR B: Wow! That's kind of cool. He's getting pulled inward, but he keeps trying to walk straight. Why is that?
PHYSICS MAJOR A: Centipedal force.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)