• Green leather
• The sun, from sixteen different angles
• A comfortable apartment under $300 a month – utilities included
• A system of measurement so precise it can count your failures
• A person who knew the meaning of a word I had just made up – that word was eigurfleck
• A comedy about the middle ages with no reference to the present day
• Blue leather
• My worst fear, which I had to confront after years of hiding – that fear was me
• Sixteen men riding horses in perfect unison who were not being filmed
• A little girl doing her algebra homework on top of a giant boulder on the beach – x was equal to five
• Pink leather
• A computer program which destroyed all viruses – and then itself
• An alcoholic grandson
• The clearest water that there ever was – it was air
• A cliff
• One hundred and fifteen movies, four thousand television episodes, and forty-five stage plays without Morgan Freeman in them
• Orange leather
• A candy so sweet that it was literally a pile of sugar
• The kid who was cooler than me in high school – he got married
• The future
• A bed so soft that it invites you to sleep in it ¬– and breaks your heart
• Fruit leather
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Portland Man Breaks Laws
Guinness Book of World Records officials confirmed Thursday that Portland man Gerald Cotter has broken more laws than any other person on record.
“It’s just kind of been a hobby for me,” reports Gerald. “I got into it after taking two newspapers from the box after paying for one. That second paper is mounted on my wall.”
In order to qualify for the record, Cotter was required to provide documentation of all his accomplishments. He was able to produce video tape evidence of over thirty years of misconduct, including over six hundred cases of jaywalking and two hundred cases of trespassing on his neighbor’s lawn.
“But most of all, I like to think of myself as a bank robber,” says Gerald, who has stolen over three hundred pens from sixteen different area banks.
Gerald’s evidence caught the eye of county officials, who arrested him in late March.
“The policeman they sent was very polite. Shook my hand. I shook his hand really really hard – that counts as assault, right?” says Gerald.
Gerald’s interview was given at the Clackamas Jail, where he is currently being held for seven thousand consecutive five minute sentences.
“It’s just kind of been a hobby for me,” reports Gerald. “I got into it after taking two newspapers from the box after paying for one. That second paper is mounted on my wall.”
In order to qualify for the record, Cotter was required to provide documentation of all his accomplishments. He was able to produce video tape evidence of over thirty years of misconduct, including over six hundred cases of jaywalking and two hundred cases of trespassing on his neighbor’s lawn.
“But most of all, I like to think of myself as a bank robber,” says Gerald, who has stolen over three hundred pens from sixteen different area banks.
Gerald’s evidence caught the eye of county officials, who arrested him in late March.
“The policeman they sent was very polite. Shook my hand. I shook his hand really really hard – that counts as assault, right?” says Gerald.
Gerald’s interview was given at the Clackamas Jail, where he is currently being held for seven thousand consecutive five minute sentences.
On the Down Low
Check it, crimenobbaz. It’s crystal clear in the morning and there’s jewelry to lift, dog behinds to sniff, and tourists to grift. Take off that ski mask, that’s just the crime establishment forcing you to conform to THEIR standards of how and when to break the law. This right here is the new shit. The cutting-edge shit. This shit is so underground that half the time you aren’t even sure that if you’re doing is illegal.
•Find a lady with a real nice necklace on. If her neck ain’t shinier than the piping in your house then you need to MOVE THE FUCK ON. Look at her necklace and then go buy one just like it. Pay a bum fifty bucks to wear it around town. People will think the lady turned into a bum. This is slander for a new age, crimenobbaz.
•Floss your teeth really hard until your gums are bleeding. Tell children you got punched in the mouth by politicians then smile really hard. IT IS YOUR DUTY to create the next generation of revolutionaries!
•Hack into the RIAA computers and FORCE them to listen to songs that they don’t own. Break down capitalism at all costs!
•Go to the roof of a tall-ass building. Stay with me, stick with me on this one. Okay. Okay. Now take a yo-yo, that’s right, a yo-yo, dangle it over the side of the building. Let it drop. Be all “Oops! My bad. Looks like my yo-yo slipped!” People down below get hit on the head with a yo-yo. They’ve never seen anything like it. You are the alien force. CONFRONT ALL CONFORMITY.
•Hire a high-priced lawyer and run for public office while starting your own corporation. Use predatory court practices to sue your competitors to the ground. Get married and sleep around on your spouse. Ascend in the political spectrum until you are a cabinet member or a judge on the Supreme Court. When you are ready to retire make a public statement to show that you are really destroying the system from the inside because all along you have been BUYING ALCOHOL FOR MINORS.
•Find a lady with a real nice necklace on. If her neck ain’t shinier than the piping in your house then you need to MOVE THE FUCK ON. Look at her necklace and then go buy one just like it. Pay a bum fifty bucks to wear it around town. People will think the lady turned into a bum. This is slander for a new age, crimenobbaz.
•Floss your teeth really hard until your gums are bleeding. Tell children you got punched in the mouth by politicians then smile really hard. IT IS YOUR DUTY to create the next generation of revolutionaries!
•Hack into the RIAA computers and FORCE them to listen to songs that they don’t own. Break down capitalism at all costs!
•Go to the roof of a tall-ass building. Stay with me, stick with me on this one. Okay. Okay. Now take a yo-yo, that’s right, a yo-yo, dangle it over the side of the building. Let it drop. Be all “Oops! My bad. Looks like my yo-yo slipped!” People down below get hit on the head with a yo-yo. They’ve never seen anything like it. You are the alien force. CONFRONT ALL CONFORMITY.
•Hire a high-priced lawyer and run for public office while starting your own corporation. Use predatory court practices to sue your competitors to the ground. Get married and sleep around on your spouse. Ascend in the political spectrum until you are a cabinet member or a judge on the Supreme Court. When you are ready to retire make a public statement to show that you are really destroying the system from the inside because all along you have been BUYING ALCOHOL FOR MINORS.
God, Satan Choose Reed as Dueling Grounds, Nobody Cares
Sunday morning, a fire broke out in the Reed Chapel. Many passed it off as simply the result of an old, faulty radiator. However, further investigation reveals that these flames were markings of a breach from hell into the room.
“Yep, it’s definitely hellfire,” reported fire chief Tom Thickguard. “Smells like sulfur, and after it was put out it left behind an AC/DC album. It’s got all the signs.”
It is not uncommon for hellfire to appear in strange places, and the phenomenon usually indicates the appearance of Satan. According to Satan’s publicist, there was to be a public battle between God and the devil at the time. Reed students reported a disinterest in the event.
“Why would they fight there?” said Freshman Dean Carlisle. “Oh, wait, the chapel is a religious thing, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter. Causing damage to public property, such as starting a fire in the chapel, is a clear violation of common decency. Not at all in line with the honor principle. Start a conversation about the honor principle in your dorm.”
Allegations of the fight have been confirmed by representatives from God and Satan, as well as by Conference and Events Planning, who scheduled the event. This is the latest in a long string of failed appearances by the long-time rivals.
“This is unfair. I keep appearing but nobody shows up to watch. It's just like my last birthday. The flames get put out before we can get anywhere, and it's no fun. I wish I knew the name of the guy who invented the fire extinguisher,” said Satan. "I would have a word or two to say to him! Oohhh!"
“I AM ALL-KNOWING AND ALL-POWERFUL,” said God in response to the debacle. “LOOK FOR CONTINUED DEVALUATION OF THE DOLLAR. BRANGELINA WILL NOT LAST. THERE IS A CHILD CRYING IN AUSTRALIA. ALL MUST WORSHIP ME.”
The duo plan to reschedule their event, but are wary about garnering enough interest. This may indicate a downturn in general interest towards Satan and God, but both parties remain resolute that this is a trend that will soon reverse. Both were willing to vent their frustration towards the lack of interest.
“We chose Sunday morning so we could fight in front of a crowd, but your services don’t start at 4:15am. I was misinformed about this and I don't think that's very nice. We’ve tried to schedule several different times, but people always say that they have too much homework and can’t come. It’s frustrating. I sometimes punch a pillow when I'm frustrated” said Satan.
God reported, “GERMANS WILL BE ONE INCH TALLER NEXT YEAR, AND SALMON WILL NO LONGER TASTE GOOD ON BAGELS. JAY Z WILL RECORD THE SMASH HIT JAM OF THE SUMMER. SO I HAVE SPOKEN, AND SO IT SHALL BE.”
Despite the setback, the two remain optimistic. They plan to make individual appearances for a while, with God appearing in a special series of grilled cheese sandwiches and Satan teaching and inspiring children at a summer camp for the disadvantaged. They say they will return to fight for the crowd in 2009 in a world tour.
“I KNOW WHO INVENTED THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER,” said God in preparation for the 2009 world tour, “AND IT IS NOT WHO YOU THINK IT IS.”
“Yep, it’s definitely hellfire,” reported fire chief Tom Thickguard. “Smells like sulfur, and after it was put out it left behind an AC/DC album. It’s got all the signs.”
It is not uncommon for hellfire to appear in strange places, and the phenomenon usually indicates the appearance of Satan. According to Satan’s publicist, there was to be a public battle between God and the devil at the time. Reed students reported a disinterest in the event.
“Why would they fight there?” said Freshman Dean Carlisle. “Oh, wait, the chapel is a religious thing, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter. Causing damage to public property, such as starting a fire in the chapel, is a clear violation of common decency. Not at all in line with the honor principle. Start a conversation about the honor principle in your dorm.”
Allegations of the fight have been confirmed by representatives from God and Satan, as well as by Conference and Events Planning, who scheduled the event. This is the latest in a long string of failed appearances by the long-time rivals.
“This is unfair. I keep appearing but nobody shows up to watch. It's just like my last birthday. The flames get put out before we can get anywhere, and it's no fun. I wish I knew the name of the guy who invented the fire extinguisher,” said Satan. "I would have a word or two to say to him! Oohhh!"
“I AM ALL-KNOWING AND ALL-POWERFUL,” said God in response to the debacle. “LOOK FOR CONTINUED DEVALUATION OF THE DOLLAR. BRANGELINA WILL NOT LAST. THERE IS A CHILD CRYING IN AUSTRALIA. ALL MUST WORSHIP ME.”
The duo plan to reschedule their event, but are wary about garnering enough interest. This may indicate a downturn in general interest towards Satan and God, but both parties remain resolute that this is a trend that will soon reverse. Both were willing to vent their frustration towards the lack of interest.
“We chose Sunday morning so we could fight in front of a crowd, but your services don’t start at 4:15am. I was misinformed about this and I don't think that's very nice. We’ve tried to schedule several different times, but people always say that they have too much homework and can’t come. It’s frustrating. I sometimes punch a pillow when I'm frustrated” said Satan.
God reported, “GERMANS WILL BE ONE INCH TALLER NEXT YEAR, AND SALMON WILL NO LONGER TASTE GOOD ON BAGELS. JAY Z WILL RECORD THE SMASH HIT JAM OF THE SUMMER. SO I HAVE SPOKEN, AND SO IT SHALL BE.”
Despite the setback, the two remain optimistic. They plan to make individual appearances for a while, with God appearing in a special series of grilled cheese sandwiches and Satan teaching and inspiring children at a summer camp for the disadvantaged. They say they will return to fight for the crowd in 2009 in a world tour.
“I KNOW WHO INVENTED THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER,” said God in preparation for the 2009 world tour, “AND IT IS NOT WHO YOU THINK IT IS.”
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Local Moist Towelette Goes a Long Way
When local Fred Meyer cashier Brenda Williams brought home a “Wet Ones”-brand moist towelette, she didn’t know what she was getting into.
“My husband had been on my ass for years to remove old makeup before putting on new makeup. I figured I’d try it today, and bought one of these,” she said in a recent interview.
After removing three years’ worth of layers of lipstick and eyeliner, Brenda decided the towelette still had some cleaning potential left, and set to work on her house.
“It was pretty amazing, I have to admit,” said Brenda’s husband Mark. “It can do all that cleaning, but it’s just a little towel. That’s what ‘towelette’ means.”
The towelette soon attracted the attention of neighbors, and the Williams family charged for its use.
“It’s a pretty sweet deal for us. We rent out the towelette and they can clean their silverware or their children or whatever. Then it comes back good as new and we rent it out to the next person. It’s all great, except for that one client,” said Brenda.
The Williams are currently being sued by one of their customers for marketing an unsafe product.
“They didn’t adequately warn us,” said neighbor Sheila Brown. “We used to have a dirt road leading up to our house. Now we have nothing. Do you know what it’s like to accidentally back your car up into the void? I’ve gone through three Camaros this week.”
Brenda will not comment on the lawsuit, citing legal issues.
Scientists, interested in how the moist towelette could clean so much, have requested a small sample. So far, they have been refused.
“Those science assholes just want to clean their test tubes and thick glasses and pocket protectors. Nerds,” said Brenda.
There has not been a response from the scientists yet, although one was seen leaving his office on Tuesday with particularly grimy glasses.
“My husband had been on my ass for years to remove old makeup before putting on new makeup. I figured I’d try it today, and bought one of these,” she said in a recent interview.
After removing three years’ worth of layers of lipstick and eyeliner, Brenda decided the towelette still had some cleaning potential left, and set to work on her house.
“It was pretty amazing, I have to admit,” said Brenda’s husband Mark. “It can do all that cleaning, but it’s just a little towel. That’s what ‘towelette’ means.”
The towelette soon attracted the attention of neighbors, and the Williams family charged for its use.
“It’s a pretty sweet deal for us. We rent out the towelette and they can clean their silverware or their children or whatever. Then it comes back good as new and we rent it out to the next person. It’s all great, except for that one client,” said Brenda.
The Williams are currently being sued by one of their customers for marketing an unsafe product.
“They didn’t adequately warn us,” said neighbor Sheila Brown. “We used to have a dirt road leading up to our house. Now we have nothing. Do you know what it’s like to accidentally back your car up into the void? I’ve gone through three Camaros this week.”
Brenda will not comment on the lawsuit, citing legal issues.
Scientists, interested in how the moist towelette could clean so much, have requested a small sample. So far, they have been refused.
“Those science assholes just want to clean their test tubes and thick glasses and pocket protectors. Nerds,” said Brenda.
There has not been a response from the scientists yet, although one was seen leaving his office on Tuesday with particularly grimy glasses.
YOUR WACKY WEATHER
With Gene Silverman
What a day it’s shaping up to be! Welcome to my very first weather report as a newspaper columnist. After ten years in the local TV news biz, it’s time to make the switch. I'm wearing my Homer Simpson tie, and I'm all set to tell you what the weather is going to be like today!
I’m looking at the screen and all I can say is that it looks like rain, rain, rain in Portland for the next few days! You can’t see it, but I’m actually wearing a rain coat, and I’m inside! Isn’t that silly? An assistant just splashed me with a bucket of water. I'm sopping wet. It sure is going to be rainy!
But there’s good news for those of you in Eugene. Looks like it might be “heating up” for you very soon after a long winter! When I said “heating up” I struck a match, by the way. Just figured I’d mention that since I thought it was pretty clever. Yep! Pretty soon it’ll be so hot in Eugene that you’ll be playing “Ring” Around the Rosie! When I said that, I just jumped through a "ring..." of fire! Fire is hot, like the weather will be!
Over near the coast it looks like there’s going to be more and more wind. I’m writing this paragraph after jumping off a high cliff. If you look at me sideways it’s like the wind is blowing really hard! Boy, what a lot of wind there will be near the coast! Might be a day to stay “inside!” I brought a doll house with me for the fall off the cliff and now I’m trying to climb inside of it. Get it? Doll houses are supposed to be for dolls, not people!
One last thing, and that's to watch out for earthquakes in your area! Whoa! Earthquakes sure do shake a lot! Make sure you're shaking the newspaper while reading those last two lines. And that’s your weather for today!
What a day it’s shaping up to be! Welcome to my very first weather report as a newspaper columnist. After ten years in the local TV news biz, it’s time to make the switch. I'm wearing my Homer Simpson tie, and I'm all set to tell you what the weather is going to be like today!
I’m looking at the screen and all I can say is that it looks like rain, rain, rain in Portland for the next few days! You can’t see it, but I’m actually wearing a rain coat, and I’m inside! Isn’t that silly? An assistant just splashed me with a bucket of water. I'm sopping wet. It sure is going to be rainy!
But there’s good news for those of you in Eugene. Looks like it might be “heating up” for you very soon after a long winter! When I said “heating up” I struck a match, by the way. Just figured I’d mention that since I thought it was pretty clever. Yep! Pretty soon it’ll be so hot in Eugene that you’ll be playing “Ring” Around the Rosie! When I said that, I just jumped through a "ring..." of fire! Fire is hot, like the weather will be!
Over near the coast it looks like there’s going to be more and more wind. I’m writing this paragraph after jumping off a high cliff. If you look at me sideways it’s like the wind is blowing really hard! Boy, what a lot of wind there will be near the coast! Might be a day to stay “inside!” I brought a doll house with me for the fall off the cliff and now I’m trying to climb inside of it. Get it? Doll houses are supposed to be for dolls, not people!
One last thing, and that's to watch out for earthquakes in your area! Whoa! Earthquakes sure do shake a lot! Make sure you're shaking the newspaper while reading those last two lines. And that’s your weather for today!
Letters to the Editor
Dear The Pamphlette:
In response to last week’s “How to Cook With Sizzlin’ Drizzlins,” thank you! I tried out this recipe on my husband and he said that it was his best meal in weeks. I tried it on my boss and he gave me a promotion! I tried it on my state’s senator and he said he’d “never had drizzlins more sizzlin’.” I thought that was kinda lame but didn’t want to say anything at the time.
-Angela Frank
Dear The Pamphlette:
That review of the new Owen Wilson film, Drillbit Taylor was way off base. Owen Wilson has never made a bad film before and he certainly hasn’t stopped here. Clearly you’re missing the movie’s inner message about childhood involvement with the world of mercenaries. It’s a real issue, and Owen is a saint for tackling it. If Owen’s film is so bad, then where’s your film, huh? I bet you could never make a movie that good.
-Carl Weber
Dear Occupant:
Interested in BIG SAVINGS? Check out our magazine subscriptions! Time is only five dollars a year, and a year is a lot of Time! Country Living six cents an issue! That's even lower than home prices after the market fell through. Order subscriptions today - you may already be our BIG WINNER! Ten thousand dollars waiting for you! Respond now!
-Publisher
Dear The Pamphlette:
Okay, I admit, the first time I wrote in I hadn’t actually watched Drillbit Taylor. I’ve seen it now and it’s pretty shitty. Sorry about that. It’s sad that the film presented such a skewed portrait of reality. So uncharacteristic for the best actor of our time, Owen Wilson.
-Carl Weber
Dear The Pamphlette:
Your Obama article was a crock of shit! There’s no way that guy is under six feet tall. He’s 6’1”, 6’2” easy. I agree with you that tall people have been running this country for way too god damn long, but don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes! Obama is just another one of THEM. Tall assholes think they can tell me what to do. Here I am, the normal citizen, forced once again to write in Kucinich. It’s a travesty, I tell you.
- Grant Forester
Dear The Pamphlette:
After having watched Drillbit Taylor five more times, I must rescind my previous letter. This movie is the siren song for our generation. This film speaks like no other, and truly our master Owen is the leader for our time. I have already written twenty pages exploring the hidden meanings and references in the film, which is available for free on my website. Please read it, and I have faith that you will hire me as the new film reviewer over the close-minded philistine you have now. Thank you.
-Carl Weber
In response to last week’s “How to Cook With Sizzlin’ Drizzlins,” thank you! I tried out this recipe on my husband and he said that it was his best meal in weeks. I tried it on my boss and he gave me a promotion! I tried it on my state’s senator and he said he’d “never had drizzlins more sizzlin’.” I thought that was kinda lame but didn’t want to say anything at the time.
-Angela Frank
Dear The Pamphlette:
That review of the new Owen Wilson film, Drillbit Taylor was way off base. Owen Wilson has never made a bad film before and he certainly hasn’t stopped here. Clearly you’re missing the movie’s inner message about childhood involvement with the world of mercenaries. It’s a real issue, and Owen is a saint for tackling it. If Owen’s film is so bad, then where’s your film, huh? I bet you could never make a movie that good.
-Carl Weber
Dear Occupant:
Interested in BIG SAVINGS? Check out our magazine subscriptions! Time is only five dollars a year, and a year is a lot of Time! Country Living six cents an issue! That's even lower than home prices after the market fell through. Order subscriptions today - you may already be our BIG WINNER! Ten thousand dollars waiting for you! Respond now!
-Publisher
Dear The Pamphlette:
Okay, I admit, the first time I wrote in I hadn’t actually watched Drillbit Taylor. I’ve seen it now and it’s pretty shitty. Sorry about that. It’s sad that the film presented such a skewed portrait of reality. So uncharacteristic for the best actor of our time, Owen Wilson.
-Carl Weber
Dear The Pamphlette:
Your Obama article was a crock of shit! There’s no way that guy is under six feet tall. He’s 6’1”, 6’2” easy. I agree with you that tall people have been running this country for way too god damn long, but don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes! Obama is just another one of THEM. Tall assholes think they can tell me what to do. Here I am, the normal citizen, forced once again to write in Kucinich. It’s a travesty, I tell you.
- Grant Forester
Dear The Pamphlette:
After having watched Drillbit Taylor five more times, I must rescind my previous letter. This movie is the siren song for our generation. This film speaks like no other, and truly our master Owen is the leader for our time. I have already written twenty pages exploring the hidden meanings and references in the film, which is available for free on my website. Please read it, and I have faith that you will hire me as the new film reviewer over the close-minded philistine you have now. Thank you.
-Carl Weber
Donald Schauser: A Profile in Courage
Beloved local convenience store owner Donald Schauser, 56, died today in his shop. Schauser was known for his time served in Vietnam as a medic and for his “exact change only” policy.
His wife, Elizabeth Schauser, announced that his death was likely a result of complications from being shot several minutes beforehand.
“Oh my God, oh my God, what have you done? What have you done to my husband?” Elizabeth said recently in an interview.
Donald was born in Perryville, a small Missouri town of approximately 8,000. He met his soon-to-be wife Elizabeth and they planned to marry, but he was drafted in 1971. Before leaving, they exchanged promises to always stay together.
“He was so sweet when he was alive,” reported Elizabeth, rocking her dead husband’s head, “Oh, my Donald.”
Schauser returned from Vietnam a changed man. He had seen things that no man should see. He married Elizabeth and moved to Portland, Oregon, where he was forced to steal from local shops to support his wife and his family. Donald lived in shame every day, incredible shame. The kind of shame that attracts people interested in looking at the dregs of humanity. That's when Donald met a friend who would make life far more interesting for him.
“What? How did you know that? We never told anybody about the stealing. Nobody knew!” said Elizabeth in her interview.
Soon Donald realized that he could earn more by actually working at a convenience store than by stealing from them. After getting his conveniencer’s license he applied for a job. His dark past was over. Whitewashed. Everything bad was to be whitewashed for Donald Schauser. Donald's new friend knew that that was no good.
There was an evil little man lurking inside Schauser. One that desperately needed to get out. Only his new friend knew how to get him to do it, and he did. Donald began sneaking out late nights to go to bars, to sleep with other women. He would spend nights in small rooms with strange women in beds next to open windows that just about anybody could look through. His life was debauchery and incredible pain. It was truly the most delicious part of his story.
“Wait, don't I recognize you? Yes! You were the one who he met under the bridge! I always knew you were no good!” cried Elizabeth in exquisite agony.
And so Donald spent his years in drudgery and despondency, truly a prize for the connoisseurs of the human condition. Only recently did he begin to stay in more, to recant for his sins, to sit on his bed and recite to who he must have thought was nobody, “I love my wife; I need to make myself better.”
“Please, let me go. I promise not to tell anybody. Please just let me go, you’ve already taken my Donald,” said Elizabeth in the concluding words of her interview.
Donald’s death by a mystery assailant is likely the result of some admirer who wanted to make sure his life of misery was not tainted by the forces of redemption and regret. Truly Donald's best friend is also his greatest savior.
His wife, Elizabeth Schauser, announced that his death was likely a result of complications from being shot several minutes beforehand.
“Oh my God, oh my God, what have you done? What have you done to my husband?” Elizabeth said recently in an interview.
Donald was born in Perryville, a small Missouri town of approximately 8,000. He met his soon-to-be wife Elizabeth and they planned to marry, but he was drafted in 1971. Before leaving, they exchanged promises to always stay together.
“He was so sweet when he was alive,” reported Elizabeth, rocking her dead husband’s head, “Oh, my Donald.”
Schauser returned from Vietnam a changed man. He had seen things that no man should see. He married Elizabeth and moved to Portland, Oregon, where he was forced to steal from local shops to support his wife and his family. Donald lived in shame every day, incredible shame. The kind of shame that attracts people interested in looking at the dregs of humanity. That's when Donald met a friend who would make life far more interesting for him.
“What? How did you know that? We never told anybody about the stealing. Nobody knew!” said Elizabeth in her interview.
Soon Donald realized that he could earn more by actually working at a convenience store than by stealing from them. After getting his conveniencer’s license he applied for a job. His dark past was over. Whitewashed. Everything bad was to be whitewashed for Donald Schauser. Donald's new friend knew that that was no good.
There was an evil little man lurking inside Schauser. One that desperately needed to get out. Only his new friend knew how to get him to do it, and he did. Donald began sneaking out late nights to go to bars, to sleep with other women. He would spend nights in small rooms with strange women in beds next to open windows that just about anybody could look through. His life was debauchery and incredible pain. It was truly the most delicious part of his story.
“Wait, don't I recognize you? Yes! You were the one who he met under the bridge! I always knew you were no good!” cried Elizabeth in exquisite agony.
And so Donald spent his years in drudgery and despondency, truly a prize for the connoisseurs of the human condition. Only recently did he begin to stay in more, to recant for his sins, to sit on his bed and recite to who he must have thought was nobody, “I love my wife; I need to make myself better.”
“Please, let me go. I promise not to tell anybody. Please just let me go, you’ve already taken my Donald,” said Elizabeth in the concluding words of her interview.
Donald’s death by a mystery assailant is likely the result of some admirer who wanted to make sure his life of misery was not tainted by the forces of redemption and regret. Truly Donald's best friend is also his greatest savior.
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