Environment in Trouble AGAIN

Recent developments deep in the heart of the Amazon reveal that the environment is once again in jeopardy. That's right, again.

"Ugh," said prominent environmental activist Warren Thaid. "Again? I just replaced all my lightbulbs with flourescent. What does the environment want? A fucking kiss on the head and a tuck-in goodnight?"

Recent Gallup polls reveal that only Americans are less worried about the more recent environmental jeopardies.

"The environment is just so gol-darn needy," said local business owner Sheila Craven. "Oh, the environment needs this. The environment needs that. It's like those annoying kids who come around every week trying to sell magazine subscriptions. And I'll tell the environment what I tell them: I don't care if you're constantly in need of aid; I'm only interested if Paul Newman is on the cover." Paul Newman was not available for comment.

"The first time someone told me the environment was in trouble, I quit my job and traveled the country planting trees," said random bystander Jimmy Treepleseed. "But the last time? I bought a Hummer and ran them over with it. I'm tired of this shit."

This reflects a growing trend of apathy among Americans who just want to be able to strip the Earth of its resources and be done with it. Philosopher David Hachoo, author of the book "But Mom I Don't Want to Clean My Room," writes:

"Everything is just too much effort nowadays: recycling your paper, not leaving the car running overnight, turning off the television when you're done watching it. Who wants to deal with all that inconvenience? All this caring is boring. Just kill the planet already and get it over with. Come onnnnnn."

Thousands turned out last Friday in Washington for their "Let the Environment Die Already, Geez" march. Chanting "Where do we want to drive? Everywhere! When do we want it? All the time!" they swarmed the White House and forced the president to sign into law a bill making sure that people don't feel guilty for not helping the environment more.

"It's just common sense," said President Bush. "All that environment stuff just takes up too much of our time. That concludes this press conference, I'll now be taking Air Force I to the 7-11 down the street. Hot dogs."