The Pamphlette Summer Digest

You probably didn't get a chance to read The Pamphlette over the summer. That's what we call "betrayal." But we forgive you, and that's why we're creating this digest of all the most important stories that you missed this summer.

• The El Paso, Texas police force is under investigation after raiding a meeting of people with shaved heads and flowing robes drinking Kool-Aid. The head of Buddhist Monks Who Think Kool-Aid is Delicious Anti-Defamation League had no comment, insisting that we must be free of all comments if we are truly to understand the subject at hand.
• An obese man in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania sat down on a chair, causing it to break. According to a witness on the scene, “it was really fucking funny.”
• Approximately 13.5 million people all over the world died due to various causes over the course of the summer. When reached for comment, a guy with long hair in a black T-shirt chuckled and said “brutal, man.”
• Barack Obama agreed to play the lead in a new Broadway production of The Who’s Tommy. This move on the part of the candidate comes to many as a surprise.
“I never thought of myself as a performer before,” said Obama, “but I guess I caught the acting bug while pretending to be a liberal during the primary.”
The first run will open in New York this October. Obama’s experience being deaf, dumb, and blind is expected by election analysis to give him a bump among Libertarians this November, as well as pinball enthusiasts.
• Hot on the heels of this spring’s “pregnant man” story, a woman in Seattle, Washington became pregnant in June. She is scheduled for talk show appearances through November.
• Several records were broken at this year's Beijing Olympics, including "most racist analysis of host country," and "most comedians making easy jokes about 'rejected olympic events.'"
• Star of stage and screen Matthew Broderick did nothing of any interest.
“I guess that’s par for the course,” said Broderick, hanging his head and kicking a rock, stubbing his toe. “Aw, shucks.”
• Muncie, Indiana’s annual Opposite Day was a resounding failure.
• White supremacist leader David Duke began a career as a stand up comedian. His act contains five jokes, each one a pun on the phrase “white powder.” No tickets have been sold.
• The art world has been shifting in response to the new "child criticism" movement.
"I liked the Mowa Lisa 'cuz it looks like my mommy," said renowned critic Kimmy.
Not all artists have been appreciative of the new development. "I liked the idea when I thought it was about criticizing children," said painter Dana Lehey.
• Los Angeles high school trigonometry teacher Randall Munroe has found the world's lamest math joke.
"It's an honor to be widely recognized, especially in such a high competition area," said Munroe. "Get it? Widely recognized, high competition area? Height and width in an area? Ha... ha." He then tugged on his sweater vest and grinned nervously. "I've got a million of them."