How to Reed-ify Your Music

It's the common state of every freshman on campus - your music sucks and you don't even know it yet! How sad. How can you expect to invite your quirky friends over for quirky tea and quirky crackers if you can't even play the right quirky music on your quirky Macbook? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Coheed and Cambria? High School Musical? You're going to have to do better than that.

1) OBSCURITY
You're coming from a high school where everybody listened to T-Pain and you listened to Pixies because you're such a fucking rebel. Well, now everybody listens to Pixies. What the hell are you going to do? You could listen to Neutral Milk Hotel but that shit got played out while you were still in middle school learning how to smoke. Boris? What the hell are you thinking, do you even WANT any friends who think of you as "the music guy"? And if you think The Mountain Goats are obscure you can just stop right now because you're worthless. You're absolutely worthless. Fuck you. Fuck you and take your little crybaby music and go take a shit in your own brain, because your head is already in the right spot for it (up your ass).
SOLUTION: Turn it back on those fuckers, it's time to break out the T-Pain.

2) IRONY
In high school you could get by maybe attending an 80's party every once in a while, dancing to Hall & Oates and calling it a night. No. Fucking. More. Here at Reed we have a fucking Troy showing every year. This is the Irony: Deluxe Edition. God dammit. You're barely showing your abject contempt for shit. You could hardly wear a trucker's hat without jumping in a big rig to blow the driver. What kind of irony is that? The next time you're standing on the side of the road making that "honk your horn" gesture you'd better take that fist and shove it in the tailpipe, and as you're being dragged along by the truck and your 70's television show t-shirt is being ripped to shreds you think about what a failure your life is before the truck explodes when it can't get rid of it's exhaust because there's a bigger piece of machine shit blocking the way: YOU.
SOLUTION: Nerdcore Hip-Hop. Let poor people know that their culture is without substance and their plight is worthy of ridicule. Get back at those T-Pain assholes.

3) TEPIDITY
In the end the bland shit that people listen to here is the same bland shit that everyone listens to everywhere else. Oh hey Reed College what is the greatest band of all time? Oh it's THE BEATLES. Great, thanks. I love fucking harmonies and three chord songs and lyrics so childish they may as well have been written by the band's average listener. I bet you have sex in the missionary position listening to Barry White and then get prepared for work with the complex melodies of Explosions in the Sky while you clean off your cock (if you are a guy) with the hole of the latest Radiohead disc. If there's any band that deserves to be covered in semen it's them, so it's convenient that they manage to do it all by themselves.
SOLUTION: I give up. Your ears aren't worth saving. God dammit I need a bath. Go listen to some Iron & Wine and then kill yourself.