Sunday, February 22, 2009
Cute Sweaters
How long has it been since you put on a cute, cuddly-wuddly little sweater? Maybe with some cats on it, or a Christmas tree? However long it's been, it's been too long! That is, unless you're wearing one right now. Who wants ice cream?
Have you been wearing the sweater I got you for Christmas? The one with Santa riding on a sleigh with children, pulled along by good old Rudolph, dropping presents from the sky? I know it's not Christmas anymore, I just love that sweater on you. Won't you put it on? Please? Oh please just put it on. Put it on or I'll cry.
Thank you. You make me so happy. Let me just pinch your cheek. Oh look, there's a piece of lint on your sweater. Let me just get that for you. There you go. All better!
Some people just don't appreciate my sweater collection. It's full of dancing teddy bears and children's drawings, and the details are outlined in sequins! That's just plain classy! People have told me that my sweaters are too boring, but that's just not true! If I ever need a little excitement, I can just go "crazy" with my Taz sweater. He's such a kooky character!
I hope you appreciate all these sweaters. You know, when I'm gone they're going to be all yours. Can you imagine that? All I left to your cousins is this dumb old house and my vast fortune. You get the best part of all: the sweaters! Just imagine jumping into that pile of sweaters and swimming around. That's what I do!
Now just come here and give your old 'na a hug. Ahh, yes, that's better. Just you and me, sweater to sweater, forever and ever. Isn't that great? You'll have plenty of sweaters and even though I'll be dead and rotting in the ground, you'll be wearing them every single day! Isn't that right? Tell me that I'm right. Tell me now.
Have you been wearing the sweater I got you for Christmas? The one with Santa riding on a sleigh with children, pulled along by good old Rudolph, dropping presents from the sky? I know it's not Christmas anymore, I just love that sweater on you. Won't you put it on? Please? Oh please just put it on. Put it on or I'll cry.
Thank you. You make me so happy. Let me just pinch your cheek. Oh look, there's a piece of lint on your sweater. Let me just get that for you. There you go. All better!
Some people just don't appreciate my sweater collection. It's full of dancing teddy bears and children's drawings, and the details are outlined in sequins! That's just plain classy! People have told me that my sweaters are too boring, but that's just not true! If I ever need a little excitement, I can just go "crazy" with my Taz sweater. He's such a kooky character!
I hope you appreciate all these sweaters. You know, when I'm gone they're going to be all yours. Can you imagine that? All I left to your cousins is this dumb old house and my vast fortune. You get the best part of all: the sweaters! Just imagine jumping into that pile of sweaters and swimming around. That's what I do!
Now just come here and give your old 'na a hug. Ahh, yes, that's better. Just you and me, sweater to sweater, forever and ever. Isn't that great? You'll have plenty of sweaters and even though I'll be dead and rotting in the ground, you'll be wearing them every single day! Isn't that right? Tell me that I'm right. Tell me now.
Open Source Tech Review
Today we will be reviewing IBM's brand new Pile of Junk [changed "DVD drive" to "Pile of Junk" since that's pretty much what it is - SamsungLova]. Released in the past few weeks [Not sure about this--- creation science has debunked carbon dating, so how do you really know? - JerryAndrews], this drive is compatible with Pile of Junk, Pile of Junk, Pile of Junk, and even Linux [just checking in - gotta go for accuracy - SamsungLova]. We will be testing the drive's capabilities and strengths in an unbiased way [Unbiased? HA HA. write this in Esperanto. English is tainted with the blood of thousands, murderer - RazeurFists].
First we set up the Pile of Junk [sup - SamsungLova] on a nice flat surface [are you sure it was ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY flat? did you use a protractor? This is very important. Please get back to me. - _____] and plugged it in [please change this sexist wording - AmeeLily] to the computer [changed this back. please leave, SamsungLova, or i will alert the moderators - LilSnitcha]. The results were amazing [Changed "astounding" to "amazing." please be careful not to violate copyright law, the magician's lobby is very strong. - JacktheAstounding].
The Pile of Junk [can't stop me, assholes - SamsungLova] was created [changed from "has evolved," please don't fall for the secularist lies - JerryAndrews] from its initial status as a lame goose [changed from "duck." fuck you buddy. i didn't work all my life at the pond eating breadcrumbs just to get called names - MarkMallard] product. The reading speed [changed back from "shitting speed," SamsungLova I am warning you the consequences will be DIRE - LilSnitcha] was faster than expected, and the Butt Cord [hahahaha - SamsungLova] was strong, unlike the last one [oh please, the last one was TOTALLY FINE. who wants to watch a dvd all at once anyway? movies are too fast these days. KIDS. - Sinatra1930].
Overall, this is a purchase we'd [changed from "I'd." please don't get cocky - NarutoBuff] recommend [changed from "shit on," SamsungLova your posts are childish and immature. i am calling in the moderator. i hope you're happy - LilSnitcha]. The price is about right [maybe change title to reflect sorrow over the retiring of the one god bob barker. rest in peace (because you are retired) - LoveCats], and it should be available at any major retailer. Don't miss your chance to get one now [You know who never got a chance? aborted fetuses. ENd ROW V WAID - GunsnButter] [Come off it. you have no right to my body - AmeeLily] [Do you want to send those little babies to hell? Why do that? Please save them. - Jerry Andrews] [Hey Hitler, do you just want to control everything? Go Goering yourself - 1984EVA] [BUTTS COCKS SHIT MAYA IS A DONKEY - SamsungLova] [Hey racists, leave your hands off black womens' bodies. And who's Maya? - PrincessUnicorn] [YOU are the real racist!! Affirmative action is racist!! Racists!! - GunsnButter] [EVERYONE IS BANNED - Moderator] or you'll miss out on a great product!
First we set up the Pile of Junk [sup - SamsungLova] on a nice flat surface [are you sure it was ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY flat? did you use a protractor? This is very important. Please get back to me. - _____] and plugged it in [please change this sexist wording - AmeeLily] to the computer [changed this back. please leave, SamsungLova, or i will alert the moderators - LilSnitcha]. The results were amazing [Changed "astounding" to "amazing." please be careful not to violate copyright law, the magician's lobby is very strong. - JacktheAstounding].
The Pile of Junk [can't stop me, assholes - SamsungLova] was created [changed from "has evolved," please don't fall for the secularist lies - JerryAndrews] from its initial status as a lame goose [changed from "duck." fuck you buddy. i didn't work all my life at the pond eating breadcrumbs just to get called names - MarkMallard] product. The reading speed [changed back from "shitting speed," SamsungLova I am warning you the consequences will be DIRE - LilSnitcha] was faster than expected, and the Butt Cord [hahahaha - SamsungLova] was strong, unlike the last one [oh please, the last one was TOTALLY FINE. who wants to watch a dvd all at once anyway? movies are too fast these days. KIDS. - Sinatra1930].
Overall, this is a purchase we'd [changed from "I'd." please don't get cocky - NarutoBuff] recommend [changed from "shit on," SamsungLova your posts are childish and immature. i am calling in the moderator. i hope you're happy - LilSnitcha]. The price is about right [maybe change title to reflect sorrow over the retiring of the one god bob barker. rest in peace (because you are retired) - LoveCats], and it should be available at any major retailer. Don't miss your chance to get one now [You know who never got a chance? aborted fetuses. ENd ROW V WAID - GunsnButter] [Come off it. you have no right to my body - AmeeLily] [Do you want to send those little babies to hell? Why do that? Please save them. - Jerry Andrews] [Hey Hitler, do you just want to control everything? Go Goering yourself - 1984EVA] [BUTTS COCKS SHIT MAYA IS A DONKEY - SamsungLova] [Hey racists, leave your hands off black womens' bodies. And who's Maya? - PrincessUnicorn] [YOU are the real racist!! Affirmative action is racist!! Racists!! - GunsnButter] [EVERYONE IS BANNED - Moderator] or you'll miss out on a great product!
Bringing Technology to History
* 1970 - Brought them a CD. They thanked me for the "Beatles-Themed Frisbee." I stopped them from throwing it but they called me a "bummer."
* 1945 - Showed up with a cell phone. "So you can go everywhere with a phone, can you?" they said. "But can you kill some fucking Nazis?" I could not. Also couldn't get any reception.
* 1800 - Gave a pair of Crocs to a woman. Ended up tied to a stake for three days for encouraging lewd behavior.
* 1500 - Found Leonardo da Vinci, gave him a toy helicopter. He tied a paintbrush to it and thanked me for this far simpler method of painting on the ceiling. "No way that Michaelangelo fuck is getting the contract now!"
* 1000 - Gave a peasant a Macbook Air. "Oh good," he said, "another thing we can use to shovel our shit."
* 30 - Gave Jesus a sleep number bed. He couldn't decide which side he liked best so he laid in the middle with arms outstretched.
* 2600 BC - Handed a video camera to the Egyptian pharaoh's court. They immediately started vlogging the pyramids.
* 10000 BC - Gave them a gun. They shot my time machine and now I'm still here.
* 1945 - Showed up with a cell phone. "So you can go everywhere with a phone, can you?" they said. "But can you kill some fucking Nazis?" I could not. Also couldn't get any reception.
* 1800 - Gave a pair of Crocs to a woman. Ended up tied to a stake for three days for encouraging lewd behavior.
* 1500 - Found Leonardo da Vinci, gave him a toy helicopter. He tied a paintbrush to it and thanked me for this far simpler method of painting on the ceiling. "No way that Michaelangelo fuck is getting the contract now!"
* 1000 - Gave a peasant a Macbook Air. "Oh good," he said, "another thing we can use to shovel our shit."
* 30 - Gave Jesus a sleep number bed. He couldn't decide which side he liked best so he laid in the middle with arms outstretched.
* 2600 BC - Handed a video camera to the Egyptian pharaoh's court. They immediately started vlogging the pyramids.
* 10000 BC - Gave them a gun. They shot my time machine and now I'm still here.
Funding Circus Minutes
10:00AM Spaghetti and wine in Vollum. Some vegan complained about the meat sauce. The student government now has no more vegans.
10:10AM Escorted by armed guard to the mediation room. An assassin from the Clark family is found, taken to 28 West for "questioning."
10:20AM Don Judge-Lord gives opening statements: "We are honored to be blessed by the presence of all the people in need of our assistance. Let the ceremonies begin." He removes his cape and sits down.
10:30AM Renn Fayre representatives enter the room, offering tribute.
Don Judge-Lord: "Ah yes. What a lovely stock of... ice cold coca cola. You are truly blessed. You may have your funds. Do not disappoint me." After kissing his ring, the czars leave the room, sweating.
10:40AM The Quest Board enters the office. Don Judge-Lord faces the window, hands held behind his back.
Don Judge-Lord: "You come in here to ask me for money? After offering such... disrespect? I love the bylaws like I love my own daughter, and you treat them like they are nothing."
Quest Board: "But Don, please, we went to your daughter's wedding! Do you remember? We paid our respects!"
Don Judge-Lord: "You are no family to me."
10:50AM: Bathroom break.
10:10AM Escorted by armed guard to the mediation room. An assassin from the Clark family is found, taken to 28 West for "questioning."
10:20AM Don Judge-Lord gives opening statements: "We are honored to be blessed by the presence of all the people in need of our assistance. Let the ceremonies begin." He removes his cape and sits down.
10:30AM Renn Fayre representatives enter the room, offering tribute.
Don Judge-Lord: "Ah yes. What a lovely stock of... ice cold coca cola. You are truly blessed. You may have your funds. Do not disappoint me." After kissing his ring, the czars leave the room, sweating.
10:40AM The Quest Board enters the office. Don Judge-Lord faces the window, hands held behind his back.
Don Judge-Lord: "You come in here to ask me for money? After offering such... disrespect? I love the bylaws like I love my own daughter, and you treat them like they are nothing."
Quest Board: "But Don, please, we went to your daughter's wedding! Do you remember? We paid our respects!"
Don Judge-Lord: "You are no family to me."
10:50AM: Bathroom break.
Door to Door Safety
Hello, ma'am. How are you doing today? No, wait, please don't slam the door. Did you know that slamming the door is a leading cause of my nose being broken? It's true. Yes, I will come inside. Thank you.
Ma'am, it is imperative that you pay attention. Look around you. See that lamp? If it were ever to be turned off, you might stub your toe in the dark. And that kitchen table? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, ma'am, but wood is flammable. Let me demonstrate. See those scorch marks? That could have been your hair. The table has to go.
Yes, ma'am, you're right to be frightened. There are dangers all around us every day. Have you ever considered the possibility that in an emergency, a thread of your clothing will get caught, preventing your escape from a deadly situation like a computer crash? This is why, as you may have noticed, I wear only saran wrap.
Physical dangers are not the only threat to worry about, ma'am. Identity theft is a growing problem. For example, by simply paying off your neighbors and rooting through your trash, I was able to charge thousands of dollars to your credit card. Don't worry, I spent it all on very safe things. Although for next time, I would be appreciative if you were to sanitize your trash a little better.
I can see you're worried. This is understandable, ma'am. However, you must try hard to stay calm. Worried people themselves are a source of danger. Ma'am, calm down or I will have to call my associates to remove your children from this dangerous home. No, ma'am, I said calm down, not scream. I'm sorry, ma'am, but your children will now be taken to a much safer location. I hope the well-being of your children relieves you a little.
I can see that you're upset. I was upset too, the first time I learned about all the dangers in the world. Please don't cry. Tears are a common vector of contagious diseases. I will have to protect myself by getting away from you. Please be kind enough to dump this bucket of sunscreen on my head and I'll be off. Ma'am? Ma'am, please.
Why you, you ask? You see, ma'am, I found your name and address on a list of people who did not pay attention to the airplane safety briefing. Yes, ma'am, they do keep track of that.
Ma'am, it is imperative that you pay attention. Look around you. See that lamp? If it were ever to be turned off, you might stub your toe in the dark. And that kitchen table? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, ma'am, but wood is flammable. Let me demonstrate. See those scorch marks? That could have been your hair. The table has to go.
Yes, ma'am, you're right to be frightened. There are dangers all around us every day. Have you ever considered the possibility that in an emergency, a thread of your clothing will get caught, preventing your escape from a deadly situation like a computer crash? This is why, as you may have noticed, I wear only saran wrap.
Physical dangers are not the only threat to worry about, ma'am. Identity theft is a growing problem. For example, by simply paying off your neighbors and rooting through your trash, I was able to charge thousands of dollars to your credit card. Don't worry, I spent it all on very safe things. Although for next time, I would be appreciative if you were to sanitize your trash a little better.
I can see you're worried. This is understandable, ma'am. However, you must try hard to stay calm. Worried people themselves are a source of danger. Ma'am, calm down or I will have to call my associates to remove your children from this dangerous home. No, ma'am, I said calm down, not scream. I'm sorry, ma'am, but your children will now be taken to a much safer location. I hope the well-being of your children relieves you a little.
I can see that you're upset. I was upset too, the first time I learned about all the dangers in the world. Please don't cry. Tears are a common vector of contagious diseases. I will have to protect myself by getting away from you. Please be kind enough to dump this bucket of sunscreen on my head and I'll be off. Ma'am? Ma'am, please.
Why you, you ask? You see, ma'am, I found your name and address on a list of people who did not pay attention to the airplane safety briefing. Yes, ma'am, they do keep track of that.
Valentines for Plants
(FRONT) I want to buy you diamond rings.
(INSIDE) But you already have so many regular ones.
(FRONT) I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, and the stars.
(INSIDE) Especially the sun, I know you really like that one.
(FRONT) I'm stuck on you.
(INSIDE) What a sap!
(FRONT) You're growing on me.
(INSIDE) 'Cause you're such a fungi.
(FRONT) You'd better not leaf me!
(INSIDE) I made this card out of the pulp of my exes.
(FRONT) We really have something special.
(INSIDE) The others are green with envy.
(FRONT) I am irreversibly emotionally damaged from having previous lovers treat me poorly.
(INSIDE) I'm glad you're inanimate.
(INSIDE) But you already have so many regular ones.
(FRONT) I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, and the stars.
(INSIDE) Especially the sun, I know you really like that one.
(FRONT) I'm stuck on you.
(INSIDE) What a sap!
(FRONT) You're growing on me.
(INSIDE) 'Cause you're such a fungi.
(FRONT) You'd better not leaf me!
(INSIDE) I made this card out of the pulp of my exes.
(FRONT) We really have something special.
(INSIDE) The others are green with envy.
(FRONT) I am irreversibly emotionally damaged from having previous lovers treat me poorly.
(INSIDE) I'm glad you're inanimate.
Sarah Snub Sparks Scandal
Controversy erupted this Friday at Alameda Elementary when seven-year old Sarah Henderson refused to bring a Valentine for fellow classmate Corey Parker.
"I don't like him!" Sarah reported. "He's a poop!" She then giggled.
This snub is the latest in the long history of coldness between Sarah and Corey, which famously began last March when Corey pushed Sarah down during recess. Sarah told reporters that she did not feel the twenty minute time out was a sufficient punishment.
"It was a miscarriage of justice, and I'm not getting him a Valentine, so there!" Sarah then stuck out her tongue.
"Obviously, I'm disappointed. I made it very clear that students were not to bring Valentines unless they brought one for each student. That's why I gave her a detention," said Mrs. Swanson, the students' teacher. "What he did was wrong, but we won't accept vigilante justice."
A small group of radicals had planned to protest the detention, but they forgot and played kickball instead.
"I don't like him!" Sarah reported. "He's a poop!" She then giggled.
This snub is the latest in the long history of coldness between Sarah and Corey, which famously began last March when Corey pushed Sarah down during recess. Sarah told reporters that she did not feel the twenty minute time out was a sufficient punishment.
"It was a miscarriage of justice, and I'm not getting him a Valentine, so there!" Sarah then stuck out her tongue.
"Obviously, I'm disappointed. I made it very clear that students were not to bring Valentines unless they brought one for each student. That's why I gave her a detention," said Mrs. Swanson, the students' teacher. "What he did was wrong, but we won't accept vigilante justice."
A small group of radicals had planned to protest the detention, but they forgot and played kickball instead.
Caricature Artist Speaks Out
The quickest way to a person's heart may be through their stomach, but the quickest way to their soul is through their face! Too many people don't really appreciate the services we caricature artists provide. We sit outside all day, taking on all comers. It's a grueling job, but a rewarding one.
Look at a caricature. What do you see? I see honesty. The giant nose I draw on a child is the nose they feel on the inside. The nose whose nostrils, until now, have been unable to breathe free the air of the world. Perhaps each of us has their own special nose, tucked away in some secret place. Show me your nose, and I will show you yourself.
It's truly an art. I mean, duh, it's an art. I'm drawing. But I mean it's really an art. It searches our ideals and pulls out the commandments that make us who we are. It's like double-art. I wonder how many arts it is if you make a caricature that goes really really deep into the soul? Probably like five. I'm operating at a three-art level, myself, personally (me).
But back to the point. Who are you truly, beneath that three-dimensional veneer? I bet you don't even know. I only need to take one look. You. You're a spaceship type of personality. And you, you, you're in front of a chalkboard. And you? Oh my god. You're a dune buggy. Get out of my sight.
I'm not going to say that caricature drawing is the most perfect thing you could do ever. That would be taking it too far. Let's just say it's the most perfect thing you can do as a human being and leave it at that. I don't want to come off as self-important. Because it's your self that's important.
People ask me, sometimes, if I can draw them a certain way. No, no I can't. I can't lie to you, lie to your whole family, lie to everyone who might ever see the caricature which I will give you and you will then hang on your wall. So stop whining when I give you buck teeth. It just means you're insightful.
Caricatures, caricatures, caricatures. I am the moving artist of the night, although I work exclusively during the day, on the pier. I caricature the squirrels, the sun. I caricatured a bowl of fruit. I didn't call it still life. I called it real life. The secrets of your mind will be revealed to me and my pen as you sit in my chair. So beware, meek denizen of the boardwalk. Do you really want to know thyself? I do. I am born into the life I was meant to lead. So approach me slowly, that I might put pen to paper and give you the gift of yourself.
This Week in Calculator Words
When the communist presence on the internet is surprisingly okay with pollution:
36718 361780 56078 3145708 ,4506
What the last president did on January 20th, 2009:
.0.4.8 53760 ,54615 ,5306 .8.6
Pigs knew about global warming all along:
8176 5604 ",45008" 5306 ,57108 38016
Santa's best gift idea ever:
58008 5807 461375
Why ear doctors are so rich:
3215-607 53704 !218 618 53807
How Hitler gets a cab:
57134 34
36718 361780 56078 3145708 ,4506
What the last president did on January 20th, 2009:
.0.4.8 53760 ,54615 ,5306 .8.6
Pigs knew about global warming all along:
8176 5604 ",45008" 5306 ,57108 38016
Santa's best gift idea ever:
58008 5807 461375
Why ear doctors are so rich:
3215-607 53704 !218 618 53807
How Hitler gets a cab:
57134 34
The Mission of the Pamphlette
10-4, good buddy. Check the rear view mirrors. Rearrange the convoy. Leave no man behind. Batten down the hatches. Don't for one second look up, look around you, waver from your mission for even a moment, or you may lose grip of the spirit of Reed, the Reed indomitable spirit, enmeshed in our holy vision of a weekly student newspaper. For we are the light, the guide, the pioneer to the heart of the Reedie. For we are The Pamphlette.
Our prophecy is to sanctify the campus with the word, The Truth. "Pamphlette" is derived from its latin root "Pamph" which means "truth" in Sanskrit. And we will work tirelessly to bring that prophecy to life, such that Nicolas Kristopolous, the holy founder, might return to bring back with him all the Pamphlette readers to the kingdom of paradise. Amen.
And in that holy hour, when the light is dim but the spirit is bright, we will emerge from the depths of the Reed Library and we will call to the Doyle Owl: "FREE US, FREE US FROM OUR SINS!" And we will masturbate to The Iliad and we will complain about our thesis, and cum will flow like wine in a Dionysian festival of cum.
We are one. We are Reed. We are PAMPHLETTE.
Remember that slogan, that piece of linguistic harmony, as you wander through your day, waiting for those hallowed Mondays (or sometimes Tuesdays) when the writ falls into your hands. We work hard to bring this to you. The ink is mixed well with our blood and our tears, and stirred with our fingers, worn down by our labors.
And so we are, standing strong. The weight and eyes of the world are upon us. We glimmer with vaseline and the hope of a campus.
We plant our flag of editorial control on the tip of the highest mountain. And you watch, attention rapt as the world turns around us. We hope that you are paying attention, because nothing is more important than the administration of the local school newspaper.
Our prophecy is to sanctify the campus with the word, The Truth. "Pamphlette" is derived from its latin root "Pamph" which means "truth" in Sanskrit. And we will work tirelessly to bring that prophecy to life, such that Nicolas Kristopolous, the holy founder, might return to bring back with him all the Pamphlette readers to the kingdom of paradise. Amen.
And in that holy hour, when the light is dim but the spirit is bright, we will emerge from the depths of the Reed Library and we will call to the Doyle Owl: "FREE US, FREE US FROM OUR SINS!" And we will masturbate to The Iliad and we will complain about our thesis, and cum will flow like wine in a Dionysian festival of cum.
We are one. We are Reed. We are PAMPHLETTE.
Remember that slogan, that piece of linguistic harmony, as you wander through your day, waiting for those hallowed Mondays (or sometimes Tuesdays) when the writ falls into your hands. We work hard to bring this to you. The ink is mixed well with our blood and our tears, and stirred with our fingers, worn down by our labors.
And so we are, standing strong. The weight and eyes of the world are upon us. We glimmer with vaseline and the hope of a campus.
We plant our flag of editorial control on the tip of the highest mountain. And you watch, attention rapt as the world turns around us. We hope that you are paying attention, because nothing is more important than the administration of the local school newspaper.
Well SOMEBODY Sucks
YOU SUCK
Hey jackoff, why don't you come down to my house and I'll show you where you can stuff my mailbox: up your asshole. I'm trying to find a place that's big enough to store it, and I'm thinking your cavernous butt is a great location. It works out perfectly: your head is always stuck up there anyway, so you can read my mail.
Your face is so ugly, I'm almost thankful for your fashion sense. After all, nothing can draw the eye away from an open sewer like a car wreck, and believe me, that shirt definitely qualifies. Where do you get your clothes, anyway? Do you shop at goodwill right after tourist season is over?
Hey, at least you've made one person proud! Your mom must be so grateful that you've never tried to impress anybody else in your life. It just means you're close to her.
NO, YOU SUCK
Hey buddy, nice little diatribe there. Your third grade English teacher must be so pleased that you finally learned how to read and write! And let's not forget all the people whose lives you've made better with your patronage: the porn dealers, the authors of Marmaduke, and the barons of the grease industry.
Anyway, don't worry about it. I'm sure someday you'll find someone willing to sleep with you. And by the time you do I'm sure Universal Health Care will be in place, so when you have to cure yourself of every STD at once it will be free.
Who could resist loving a little scamp like you? Besides the haircut straight out of a Michael Jackson music video, the aversion to bathing, and the inability to do anything worthwhile with your life, you're just a bundle of fun. Speaking of which, give my regards to that one kid in middle school who was willing to talk to you, if he hasn't killed himself yet.
Hey jackoff, why don't you come down to my house and I'll show you where you can stuff my mailbox: up your asshole. I'm trying to find a place that's big enough to store it, and I'm thinking your cavernous butt is a great location. It works out perfectly: your head is always stuck up there anyway, so you can read my mail.
Your face is so ugly, I'm almost thankful for your fashion sense. After all, nothing can draw the eye away from an open sewer like a car wreck, and believe me, that shirt definitely qualifies. Where do you get your clothes, anyway? Do you shop at goodwill right after tourist season is over?
Hey, at least you've made one person proud! Your mom must be so grateful that you've never tried to impress anybody else in your life. It just means you're close to her.
NO, YOU SUCK
Hey buddy, nice little diatribe there. Your third grade English teacher must be so pleased that you finally learned how to read and write! And let's not forget all the people whose lives you've made better with your patronage: the porn dealers, the authors of Marmaduke, and the barons of the grease industry.
Anyway, don't worry about it. I'm sure someday you'll find someone willing to sleep with you. And by the time you do I'm sure Universal Health Care will be in place, so when you have to cure yourself of every STD at once it will be free.
Who could resist loving a little scamp like you? Besides the haircut straight out of a Michael Jackson music video, the aversion to bathing, and the inability to do anything worthwhile with your life, you're just a bundle of fun. Speaking of which, give my regards to that one kid in middle school who was willing to talk to you, if he hasn't killed himself yet.
An Admission from the Desk of Carter Brighton
Americans, when you elected me I assured you of one thing, one thing above all others: honesty. My contract with the people is to peel back the layers of Washington obfuscation to reveal my acts like a stripper releasing herself from the confines of her ever-so-tightly fit unmentionables.
On that note, we will begin. As some of you may have heard, it is indeed true that my daughter has been seen frequenting strip clubs recently. It is imperative that I point out that she is an employee of these strip clubs - my daughter has never been nor will she ever be a lesbian; I've seen to that. The criticism she and I have received for this I find reprehensible. Since when do we disparage our young citizens for getting a job and contributing to society? I, for one, support my daughter in any endeavor she chooses to take up, one dollar at a time.
Another issue I fear I must address is the accusation, made with a disturbingly increasing frequency, that I used state funds to line my own pockets. It appears that political discourse in this country never moved past 19th century 'fat cat' caricatures, so pathetic is this allegation. I hold, and believe that my constituency will agree, that the purchase of knick knacks from my home for multiple times their value is simply a service I provide! Where else is the state going to find things to put in the museum of me that I'm having them build?
Of course, there is still the lingering issue of my vote on the Passover Bill. While I have been criticized for my support of this measure, I stand strong in my convictions. And really, isn't that what you should want in a politician? You know where I stand. Anyway, I only voted for it because I didn't think it would actually pass. My sincere apologies to anyone who lost their first born child. However, I still contend that we need to find some way to reduce college overcrowding in this country, and you can't say I haven't tried.
And so I've bared my soul to you, the American people. I hope you value honesty and integrity in your politicians, for I think that in this I have proven myself a paragon of both. In closing, I count on your support as a member of my constituency. That's why I'm happy to announce a new campaign tax, funds from which will ensure that the incumbent senator who is the most loved by the people (as determined by me) gets just a little help with their election campaigns. Just another way to fight those slimy government insiders in Washington!
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