Door to Door Safety

Hello, ma'am. How are you doing today? No, wait, please don't slam the door. Did you know that slamming the door is a leading cause of my nose being broken? It's true. Yes, I will come inside. Thank you.

Ma'am, it is imperative that you pay attention. Look around you. See that lamp? If it were ever to be turned off, you might stub your toe in the dark. And that kitchen table? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, ma'am, but wood is flammable. Let me demonstrate. See those scorch marks? That could have been your hair. The table has to go.

Yes, ma'am, you're right to be frightened. There are dangers all around us every day. Have you ever considered the possibility that in an emergency, a thread of your clothing will get caught, preventing your escape from a deadly situation like a computer crash? This is why, as you may have noticed, I wear only saran wrap.

Physical dangers are not the only threat to worry about, ma'am. Identity theft is a growing problem. For example, by simply paying off your neighbors and rooting through your trash, I was able to charge thousands of dollars to your credit card. Don't worry, I spent it all on very safe things. Although for next time, I would be appreciative if you were to sanitize your trash a little better.

I can see you're worried. This is understandable, ma'am. However, you must try hard to stay calm. Worried people themselves are a source of danger. Ma'am, calm down or I will have to call my associates to remove your children from this dangerous home. No, ma'am, I said calm down, not scream. I'm sorry, ma'am, but your children will now be taken to a much safer location. I hope the well-being of your children relieves you a little.

I can see that you're upset. I was upset too, the first time I learned about all the dangers in the world. Please don't cry. Tears are a common vector of contagious diseases. I will have to protect myself by getting away from you. Please be kind enough to dump this bucket of sunscreen on my head and I'll be off. Ma'am? Ma'am, please.

Why you, you ask? You see, ma'am, I found your name and address on a list of people who did not pay attention to the airplane safety briefing. Yes, ma'am, they do keep track of that.