Short Articles

TIME RUNNING OUT
Prominent experts released a unified statement yesterday warning citizens that time was, indeed, running out.
"Be aware that you continually have less time than you used to. By the time you finish reading this message you will have even less. Sucks to be you!"
The message was prompted by the experts' invention of a machine that preserves the amount of time they have indefinitely. They do not plan on sharing.


CELL PHONES SAVE ANOTHER LIFE
Sheila Anderson ran out of gas in the middle of the desert last Tuesday. It was 110 degrees in the shade, and she had no water. Things looked bleak for the desert-hopper.
"I wasn't sure what to do! The Desert Patrol would have a hard time finding me, and wouldn't know where I was!"
In a stroke of luck, she had her cell phone with her. She was able to eat the phone, which gave her enough energy to wait for rescuers.


LITTLE BABIES ARE CUTE
Aww, did you see that little ol' baby over there? I just thought he was the cutiest, pootiest, little darling I have ever did see. I just wanted to go over to it and say "pookie poo! pookie poo!" but I have a restraining order. Still a cute baby!


BABY FILES FOR RESTRAINING ORDER
Yesterday millions of babies rejoiced at the first piece of legislation putting an automatic restraining order on anybody found guilty of pinching cheeks.
"It's a twavesty dat anybuddy is awwowed to degwade us in dis fassiun!" said Tyler Johansen, a prominent baby lawyer who took the case pwo bono.


DILL WEED
I don't care what those kids call me! So what? Maybe I wear four pairs of glasses and have no exposed skin due to my acne problems. I don't care! Let them call me a 'dill weed'! As a matter of fact, dill weed is a popular herb used in cooking, and is a part of such cherished delicacies as dill pickles, so maybe being a dill weed isn't so bad after all! Did you think of THAT, stupid bullies? Don't you like dill pickles? Maybe you should like me too! Please like me!


SNOW
Yesterday snow fell from the sky. Snow is a substance that used to be water but it got too cold! Then the little water droplets got kissed by God and fell from the sky so that we can play in it. What is your favorite snowflake? Mine too! Remember, don't throw snowballs at your mom or she will get mad.


SNOWBALL ASSAULT
CSO's are still investigating a mysterious snowballing incident which took place outside the Health Center yesterday. An unidentified assailant emerged from the bushes, threw a snowball, and managed to escape. The victim is now being treated for a really stingy cheek.


VEGETARIAN FOOD RECIPE
1. Take all your food and put it together.
2. Take out all the meat.
3. Cook it (slowly).