FOR SALE: One Identity, Slightly Used: Ran into a little existential trouble, willing to part with it for cheap, still runs fine. Comes with two credit card numbers.
M4W: Want to meet up and stare at eachother while we imagine fucking eachother's brains out, then go home? sound s hot 2 me call me
STRICTLY PLATONIC: Building a theoretical Republic, anybody who wants to help come by, 5-6:30pm TONIGHT!
LOST: One virginity, please return. Will reward.
FREE: Come n get it!! got a fledgling democracy in my bkyard, freedom 4 all
MISSED CONNECTIONS: I was signifier, u were signified, but sumthin came btween us please call
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I Google Me
- Found that paper I wrote on trains in the third grade! Wow!
- Oh good, that nonprofit I worked for lists my name on their website. That'll be good for my resume.
- My ex put me on her Facebook "25 Things I Hate" list?! That's kinda petty.
- Oh wow, I'd forgotten all about that beer drinking contest I won in Reno.
- Why is my name on this racial hate site? They have a picture of me, too! I don't remember this at all!
- This editorial is totally wrong! I am definitely not a serial killer.
- I'm on the front page of CNN! "Wanted fugitive??"
- Oh look, the Amazon review I wrote on the candy-making kit. That kit was... Hey, what's that knock on the door? Are those sirens?
- Oh good, that nonprofit I worked for lists my name on their website. That'll be good for my resume.
- My ex put me on her Facebook "25 Things I Hate" list?! That's kinda petty.
- Oh wow, I'd forgotten all about that beer drinking contest I won in Reno.
- Why is my name on this racial hate site? They have a picture of me, too! I don't remember this at all!
- This editorial is totally wrong! I am definitely not a serial killer.
- I'm on the front page of CNN! "Wanted fugitive??"
- Oh look, the Amazon review I wrote on the candy-making kit. That kit was... Hey, what's that knock on the door? Are those sirens?
Pizza Disagreements
To Gerald Ferradoxine, esq.
WHEREAS, there was a pie of pizza to be ordered from a local practitioner of the FOOD to be delivered forthwith and with speed to the location in which both parties were residing,
and WHEREAS, the author of this letter did insist that he would be unwilling to consume or, indeed, to pay for any pizza unless it were to contain a reasonable trace of cheese, specifically of the mozzarella variety, as originated in the great land of ITALY,
and WHEREAS, the addressee did whine like a little six year old CHILD about wanting a vegan pizza, defined as one without a reasonable trace of CHEESE and therefore totally lame,
and WHEREAS, you forced the author of this letter to pay for the pizza because you "forgot your wallet," and further forced the author to view the film "Moulin Rouge" despite being informed that it was totally not the author's thing,
and WHEREAS, you were later seen eating a god damn chicken wing and aren't even vegan anyway and don't give me that "thought it was tofu" bull you tried last time,
it is THEREFORE DETERMINED that you a douche.
WHEREAS, there was a pie of pizza to be ordered from a local practitioner of the FOOD to be delivered forthwith and with speed to the location in which both parties were residing,
and WHEREAS, the author of this letter did insist that he would be unwilling to consume or, indeed, to pay for any pizza unless it were to contain a reasonable trace of cheese, specifically of the mozzarella variety, as originated in the great land of ITALY,
and WHEREAS, the addressee did whine like a little six year old CHILD about wanting a vegan pizza, defined as one without a reasonable trace of CHEESE and therefore totally lame,
and WHEREAS, you forced the author of this letter to pay for the pizza because you "forgot your wallet," and further forced the author to view the film "Moulin Rouge" despite being informed that it was totally not the author's thing,
and WHEREAS, you were later seen eating a god damn chicken wing and aren't even vegan anyway and don't give me that "thought it was tofu" bull you tried last time,
it is THEREFORE DETERMINED that you a douche.
Time-Savrs
- No time to watch movies? Just read the plot summary on Wikipedia! Just as good!
- Like music, but it's cutting into your study time? Play it at double speed!
- Cut your food shopping time in half by eating nothing but cured cabbage. It's the manna!
- Getting dressed in the morning? Just pick one pant leg! It's all you need.
- Internet too slow? Print out the whole thing beforehand for easy access!
- Takes too long to chew your cured cabbage? Just swallow it whole, then drink some extra stomach acid to help digest. Mmm-mm!
- Boyfriend/girlfriend wants all your time? Get them to cheat on you. Then you only have to deal with them half the time!
- Too much homework? Don't do it!
- Like music, but it's cutting into your study time? Play it at double speed!
- Cut your food shopping time in half by eating nothing but cured cabbage. It's the manna!
- Getting dressed in the morning? Just pick one pant leg! It's all you need.
- Internet too slow? Print out the whole thing beforehand for easy access!
- Takes too long to chew your cured cabbage? Just swallow it whole, then drink some extra stomach acid to help digest. Mmm-mm!
- Boyfriend/girlfriend wants all your time? Get them to cheat on you. Then you only have to deal with them half the time!
- Too much homework? Don't do it!
I Hate My Mac
Now, I'm no 'computer person,' or anything like that, but I know a lemon when I see one, and darn if that lemon ain't the brand new MacBook sitting on my desk.
Viruses and trojan horses, and heck! Even an ad-ware or two. I can tell they're just peeking at my hard-earned credit card numbers. Those little lights flash up and I know that another doggone hacker done broke in my computer!
"Sure," you may say, "maybe you got some of them viruses there, but why can't that spyware checker you got find it then?" Well I'll tell ya! Those good-for-nothing anti-viruses software don't know enough to catch true hackers! These guys got connections! Maybe even connections to the anti-virus software company. A little money out the back door so I have to have a dang lemon computer what needs fixed.
Giant hacker compounds is what they have. Yep. Underground! Thirty windowless stories dug in the ground of young men with wasted potential, just sittin' there n' hacking away. I can tell. When I get close to their underground lair, the shift key starts to feel sticky.
Tech support ain't help to noone neither. "Genius Squad?" Ha! Call up those little assholes, they tell me "No, sir, sorry, but Safari was not programmed by the Freemasons." Sure it wasn't. That's why the logo's a compass.
I need to find a way to fight back against these forces conspiring to make my computer nothing but a dang ol' lemon! But I just can't. It's too big for me. Bigger than all of us, really.
And to top it all off, the dang word processor takes way too long to start up! Like thirty seconds, I ain't kiddin'!
Viruses and trojan horses, and heck! Even an ad-ware or two. I can tell they're just peeking at my hard-earned credit card numbers. Those little lights flash up and I know that another doggone hacker done broke in my computer!
"Sure," you may say, "maybe you got some of them viruses there, but why can't that spyware checker you got find it then?" Well I'll tell ya! Those good-for-nothing anti-viruses software don't know enough to catch true hackers! These guys got connections! Maybe even connections to the anti-virus software company. A little money out the back door so I have to have a dang lemon computer what needs fixed.
Giant hacker compounds is what they have. Yep. Underground! Thirty windowless stories dug in the ground of young men with wasted potential, just sittin' there n' hacking away. I can tell. When I get close to their underground lair, the shift key starts to feel sticky.
Tech support ain't help to noone neither. "Genius Squad?" Ha! Call up those little assholes, they tell me "No, sir, sorry, but Safari was not programmed by the Freemasons." Sure it wasn't. That's why the logo's a compass.
I need to find a way to fight back against these forces conspiring to make my computer nothing but a dang ol' lemon! But I just can't. It's too big for me. Bigger than all of us, really.
And to top it all off, the dang word processor takes way too long to start up! Like thirty seconds, I ain't kiddin'!
Newsetry
Wide arms on a stimulating package
From where comes the money?
To where does it go?
And will the road it drives on finally be fixed?
---
There once was a home in Pakistan
That was hit by a bomb (not the plan)
Nine innocents died
And the pilot, he sighed
'Cause he heard about Britney's new tan
---
Dark eyes gaze at the jar of peanut butter
The last bite was safe, do I dare another?
Were I to die, who would tell my poor mother
to sue that fuck Planters, and get lawsuit butter?
---
The state? of the union
Words trickle down me like a
cat
on
a
bed
sleeping
serenely
I stare at the light peeking through my window, haranguing my thoughts and distracting my date with Obama.
"Wait," it says,
"Cars were invented in Germany, not America."
Impeach-
the-
asshole.
From where comes the money?
To where does it go?
And will the road it drives on finally be fixed?
---
There once was a home in Pakistan
That was hit by a bomb (not the plan)
Nine innocents died
And the pilot, he sighed
'Cause he heard about Britney's new tan
---
Dark eyes gaze at the jar of peanut butter
The last bite was safe, do I dare another?
Were I to die, who would tell my poor mother
to sue that fuck Planters, and get lawsuit butter?
---
The state? of the union
Words trickle down me like a
cat
on
a
bed
sleeping
serenely
I stare at the light peeking through my window, haranguing my thoughts and distracting my date with Obama.
"Wait," it says,
"Cars were invented in Germany, not America."
Impeach-
the-
asshole.
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