Now, I'm no 'computer person,' or anything like that, but I know a lemon when I see one, and darn if that lemon ain't the brand new MacBook sitting on my desk.
Viruses and trojan horses, and heck! Even an ad-ware or two. I can tell they're just peeking at my hard-earned credit card numbers. Those little lights flash up and I know that another doggone hacker done broke in my computer!
"Sure," you may say, "maybe you got some of them viruses there, but why can't that spyware checker you got find it then?" Well I'll tell ya! Those good-for-nothing anti-viruses software don't know enough to catch true hackers! These guys got connections! Maybe even connections to the anti-virus software company. A little money out the back door so I have to have a dang lemon computer what needs fixed.
Giant hacker compounds is what they have. Yep. Underground! Thirty windowless stories dug in the ground of young men with wasted potential, just sittin' there n' hacking away. I can tell. When I get close to their underground lair, the shift key starts to feel sticky.
Tech support ain't help to noone neither. "Genius Squad?" Ha! Call up those little assholes, they tell me "No, sir, sorry, but Safari was not programmed by the Freemasons." Sure it wasn't. That's why the logo's a compass.
I need to find a way to fight back against these forces conspiring to make my computer nothing but a dang ol' lemon! But I just can't. It's too big for me. Bigger than all of us, really.
And to top it all off, the dang word processor takes way too long to start up! Like thirty seconds, I ain't kiddin'!
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