Racism & Homophobia Ended at Reed

After years of furious campaigning by groups like the Queer Alliance, the Multicultural Resource Center, Chaverim, and the Black & African Student Union, racism and homophobia have been pronounced eradicated on Reed Campus. The final racist homophobe, Chad Brett, changed his mind in response to an 800-word screed in the Quest penned by Students for Equality.

“I think it was the line about all of us being equal. That one really got to me. Now I understand that blacks and fags are people too,” Brett told us recently.
Reed is one of the first campuses to be able to declare a 100% victory over racism and homophobia. Other schools such as Lewis & Clark still have as many as five racists and three homophobes.

Colin Diver celebrated the news on Monday: “I think the fact that we have over one black professor proves our commitment to equality,” he said. “For years I thought that we had already eliminated racism and homophobia because we’re so enlightened. Brett was the last holdout. I’m glad he’s changed his tune.”

Student advocacy groups see things are looking up. The QA released a statement apologizing for all the “guilt trips.” They plan to go back to just doing the dances now that there’s no threat of homophobia anymore.

The BASU was pleased with the news. “For years, Chad Brett has single-handedly kept minority retention levels very low at Reed,” said BASU member Aaron O’Connor. “Everyone besides Chad was practically incapable of making us feel unwelcome. Now we’re sure that numbers will improve.”

Minority students around campus breathe a sigh of relief at the news, but most affirm that racism and homophobia were never really a problem to begin with.
“Homophobia? How can there be homophobia when there’s no such thing as homosexuality? In a modern society like ours, we have no need to label ourselves like that,” said QA member Wil Horsley.

“I feel like I’ve always been accepted as a gay person on campus. Especially whenever I’m in class and a ‘gay’ topic comes up. Everyone looks at me and wants to know what I think! It makes me feel like everyone really values my opinion,” said freshman Greg Brokov.

“There’s never been any racism while I’ve been here,” argued Mexican exchange student James Fox. “I consider myself a friend of everyone on campus. How can anybody be racist if they have a Mexican friend?”

The news has given students and faculty the opportunity to tap into a previously forbidden creative wellspring and unleash a torrent of ironic racism and homophobia. “If there is no homophobia, how can saying that ‘God hates fags’ be homophobic? It’s ironic!” said sophomore Sociology major Tina Winters. She added, “God hates fags.”
“I can say whatever I want without being branded a bigot,” said senior Economics major Ryan Morris. “You can’t Jew me out of that right.”

The Quest has announced plans to devote an entire issue to ironic racism full of equally ironic typos.

This end of hatred has even affected plans for the school. Colin Diver released an additional statement recently: “We’re now sure that we don’t need that crazy Ethnic Studies program after all. And we’re excited to finally begin construction on our new all-black dorm. “

Despite racism and homophobia disappearing, sexism still runs rampant on campus. Thank God.

One Feminist Student Union member who wished to appear anonymous for fear of repercussion remarked, “I can’t believe one shitty letter to the Quest ended racism and homophobia. Those of us against sexism are still committed to our strategy of putting up hundreds of hideous posters all around campus. Sexism is so fucking gay.”