The Pamphlette Apologizes

Oh God We’re So Sorry

After twenty years of hard-hitting journalism, there have been more than a few times where The Pamphlette has hit just a little too hard. The cries can be heard for miles. People sprawled on hospital beds, moaning “Aughhh I’m offended…” “Hurk! Help me quick! That wasn’t that offensive but it was trying to be and now I’m so bored! Blagh!” The seemingly innocuous newspaper has a mild injury count in the dozens. The reality of this has not settled lightly on the shoulders of the paper’s contributors, and they asked me to write this article so that we could all apologize and make things right.

“It can make a strong man’s knees weak to see what sort of havoc he has wreaked. Hey, that rhymes. I never intended for it to end up like this. Please believe me, you poor victims, you and your families, know that I am doing everything I can to atone for The Pamphlette,” said Pamphlette founder Adrian Chen this week while counting his stacks of student funds money.

Contributor Andrew Michaan got on his knees and bawled when he was asked if he was sorry. “The women jokes started out so innocently. We just wanted an alternative to Everybody Loves Raymond and things like that – where the men are idiots and the women bask in the entrenched power of the Matriarchy. Then it got to be too much. I have never been as regretful about anything as I am about my writing. Please, if it means anything, know that this makes me incredibly sad. I’m also kinda sad that my wife of ten years just died.” Andrew then jumped in his wife’s funeral pyre, sacrificing his life.

Staff writer Alexandra Schmidt gave her testimony from her iron lung, gasping her sorrows between breaths. “The Pamphlette… Oh God… What was… I thinking… it hurt… so many… How could… I be so… naïve as to… think it… wouldn’t… come back to… hurt me… It put me… in here…” We cut her off for the sake of brevity, but be assured, she is super sorry.

Typesetter Tom Fenollosa and newcomer Ariella Thornhill were both found in the Portland Legacy Emanuel Mental Health Facility. Ariella hasn’t stopped crying for ten years and has written “SORRY” on her room walls in crayon. Tom sits all day in a rocking chair mumbling to himself, “The tools… I gave them the tools… The tools…” Tom and Ariella are incapable of normal social function.

Of course, this leaves only me, Nick Chandler-Klein. As author of many Pamphlette articles which no doubt irrevocably harmed many, there is no redemption for me. I took the pills ten minutes ago. My greatest regret is that I’m going out with a suicide joke. I know how tasteless this is because of the pain that anyone who has had a friend or family member commit suicide must feel and I must apologize for it quickly because the pills should be kicking in any secon