LONDON
Where it is: ENGLAND
What it is: A CITY
Why you should go there: SEE A BIG CITY. LISTEN TO A FUNNY ACCENT. WEIGH YOURSELF IN STONES.
THE OCEAN:
Where it is: OFF THE SHORE
What it is: A BODY OF WATER
Why you should go there: SWIM AROUND. MAYBE SEE A SHARK. SHARK PETTING.
THE SUN
Where it is: IN THE SKY
What it is: A BALL OF GAS
Why you should go there: GET A TAN. BRING THE KIDS. DOGS LOVE IT TOO.
DUBAI
Where it is: SAUDI ARABIA
What it is: A CITY
Why you should go there: DUBAI IS A PRETTY FUNNY NAME. YOU CAN SAY YOU WENT TO DUBAI AND PEOPLE LAUGH.
A HOLE
Where it is: YOUR BACKYARD
What it is: A HOLE
Why yo should go there: SO YOU CAN BE IN A BIG HOLE. AWESOME.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Christmas Gifts
HOT GIFTS TO BUY! Buy a blender! Blend up some shit! They'll love it. Turn around! Look in a store, you can buy more things, hot damn! Buying all over the place. Take your blender, throw it in the air! Wherever it lands, buy that too!
Got a cousin? Got two cousins? Maybe you have three cousins! Buy them all some chocolate. Buy them more chocolate! They'll be eating chocolate all the time! Fat cousins are good cousins for sitting on! Buy buy buy!
Your mom would love a loofah! Buy her a loofah! Showering moms all over the country want to lather up with a thing! Buy her a thing and also another thing! Do it again! Keep buying for God's sake.
Speaking of which, buy a Gift For God this holiday season! Fall down upon your knees in aisle three and burn a goat, letting the heavenly scent of consumerism waft up to His benevolent nose! Also buy him a universal remote!
Please buy. Oh for the love of everything please buy. I just want to feed my family. They already tried eating the decorative pillows in aisle six. Please. Buy my hair. I already sold my organs. Just buy. Buy yourself a pocket. Buy more things to put in it. Kill me.
Got a cousin? Got two cousins? Maybe you have three cousins! Buy them all some chocolate. Buy them more chocolate! They'll be eating chocolate all the time! Fat cousins are good cousins for sitting on! Buy buy buy!
Your mom would love a loofah! Buy her a loofah! Showering moms all over the country want to lather up with a thing! Buy her a thing and also another thing! Do it again! Keep buying for God's sake.
Speaking of which, buy a Gift For God this holiday season! Fall down upon your knees in aisle three and burn a goat, letting the heavenly scent of consumerism waft up to His benevolent nose! Also buy him a universal remote!
Please buy. Oh for the love of everything please buy. I just want to feed my family. They already tried eating the decorative pillows in aisle six. Please. Buy my hair. I already sold my organs. Just buy. Buy yourself a pocket. Buy more things to put in it. Kill me.
Travelling Your Feelings
Sit down. Were you sitting when you picked up this article? Please, take a seat. Take a breather. Take some time. Read my words, and embrace them, and understand.
Do you sometimes feel things? I bet you do. You probably feel things a lot. And that's okay. Just breathe deeply. Feel those feelings. Let them rise up to the outside of your body and discolor your skin. Green is for envy. Orange is for love. Blue is for suffocation.
Stand up. You were sitting, right? Well, now stand. Turn around. Look around you and swing your arms like there is nothing about you but air. Walk to a wall. Do you see how far you have traveled? I bet it is a pretty long way. Most people don't just have walls hanging around. Be thankful for that.
Talk to me. Talk to the article that I am writing to you. Tell it your feelings. Listen, I wrote a song about feelings.
When you open up yourself
To vulnerability
Then you put on the shelf
Your indignity
Does the song make you feel better? Sing it with a guitar nearby. Let the guitarist know how much you appreciate hearing their music. Write them a song of their very own. Title it To My Guitarist. Swim through your emotions. Buy a frequent flier pass, because you will be coming back here all the time. Come back to feel your emotions.
Now everybody sit in a circle. Everybody. If you can, sit in a circle with the whole world. If you can't, that's okay. There's always next time.
Imagine that you are a train, riding through the valley of your emotions on rails made of rational thought and slave labor. Look out upon the grassy fields of yourself. Make a snow angel if it is snowing. If it is not snowing, then don't.
If you feel that you have not traveled your emotions enough yet, then sit down on some stairs and think about it some more. Then some more. Once you have it, keep thinking for a while. You wouldn't want to stop cold turkey. Listen, I wrote another song about feelings.
Bring your baby through the train
The train of your emotions
And the baby of your rain
And the rain of your explosions
I am always writing songs about feelings. Sing it with me. I can hear you not singing. Don't try me. I know your feelings.
Do you sometimes feel things? I bet you do. You probably feel things a lot. And that's okay. Just breathe deeply. Feel those feelings. Let them rise up to the outside of your body and discolor your skin. Green is for envy. Orange is for love. Blue is for suffocation.
Stand up. You were sitting, right? Well, now stand. Turn around. Look around you and swing your arms like there is nothing about you but air. Walk to a wall. Do you see how far you have traveled? I bet it is a pretty long way. Most people don't just have walls hanging around. Be thankful for that.
Talk to me. Talk to the article that I am writing to you. Tell it your feelings. Listen, I wrote a song about feelings.
When you open up yourself
To vulnerability
Then you put on the shelf
Your indignity
Does the song make you feel better? Sing it with a guitar nearby. Let the guitarist know how much you appreciate hearing their music. Write them a song of their very own. Title it To My Guitarist. Swim through your emotions. Buy a frequent flier pass, because you will be coming back here all the time. Come back to feel your emotions.
Now everybody sit in a circle. Everybody. If you can, sit in a circle with the whole world. If you can't, that's okay. There's always next time.
Imagine that you are a train, riding through the valley of your emotions on rails made of rational thought and slave labor. Look out upon the grassy fields of yourself. Make a snow angel if it is snowing. If it is not snowing, then don't.
If you feel that you have not traveled your emotions enough yet, then sit down on some stairs and think about it some more. Then some more. Once you have it, keep thinking for a while. You wouldn't want to stop cold turkey. Listen, I wrote another song about feelings.
Bring your baby through the train
The train of your emotions
And the baby of your rain
And the rain of your explosions
I am always writing songs about feelings. Sing it with me. I can hear you not singing. Don't try me. I know your feelings.
Major Joke of the Week
JUMBO Theater Major Edition!
Tom: All right Jim, I've got all the planning done for the big theater festival. I just need you to okay everything.
Jim: Sounds good! Which plays have you chosen?
Tom: Well, I was thinking Anything Goes on stage one, The Comedy of Errors goes on stage two, and there would be Rumors on stage three.
Jim: What? I thought you had this all planned out.
Tom: I do! Didn't you hear me?
Jim: I expect to hear specifics from you!
Tom: Look, this is very easy. I'll start from the beginning. First, Anything Goes on stage one.
Jim: That seems a bit permissive. Shouldn't there be a play there?
Tom: There is!
Jim: But you're just saying that anything goes on stage one!
Tom: Exactly!
Jim: Now I'm confused. Just move on to stage two.
Tom: Well, The Comedy of Errors goes on stage two.
Jim: That's a good plan, but which one?
Tom: Which what?
Jim: Which comedy of errors?
Tom: The Comedy of Errors.
Jim: Yes! Which one should we put on stage two?
Tom: Um, The Comedy of Errors?
Jim: Yes! Don't ask me! You're the organizer! Don't tell me you haven't picked a play for the stage yet!
Tom: But I've already told you that stage two will have The Comedy of Errors!
Jim: But there are so many of them! If you don't pick one, stage two will just be anything goes!
Tom: No, that's stage one!
Jim: Augh!
Tom: Do you not like The Comedy of Errors going on stage two?
Jim: You know, people were telling me you didn't have anything planned for this festival, but I didn't believe the rumors on stage two!
Tom: Oh, that's because we've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: What? What have you heard?
Tom: Just that we've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: Not very interesting rumors.
Tom: Nonsense! We've got a good cast lined up.
Jim: So what play is on stage three?
Tom: I told you! We've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: But you picked the play, shouldn't you know what it is?
Tom: I've told you Rumors!
Jim: So you're just leaving it up to hearsay? This is crazy! This is anything goes!
Both: Stage one!
Tom: All right Jim, I've got all the planning done for the big theater festival. I just need you to okay everything.
Jim: Sounds good! Which plays have you chosen?
Tom: Well, I was thinking Anything Goes on stage one, The Comedy of Errors goes on stage two, and there would be Rumors on stage three.
Jim: What? I thought you had this all planned out.
Tom: I do! Didn't you hear me?
Jim: I expect to hear specifics from you!
Tom: Look, this is very easy. I'll start from the beginning. First, Anything Goes on stage one.
Jim: That seems a bit permissive. Shouldn't there be a play there?
Tom: There is!
Jim: But you're just saying that anything goes on stage one!
Tom: Exactly!
Jim: Now I'm confused. Just move on to stage two.
Tom: Well, The Comedy of Errors goes on stage two.
Jim: That's a good plan, but which one?
Tom: Which what?
Jim: Which comedy of errors?
Tom: The Comedy of Errors.
Jim: Yes! Which one should we put on stage two?
Tom: Um, The Comedy of Errors?
Jim: Yes! Don't ask me! You're the organizer! Don't tell me you haven't picked a play for the stage yet!
Tom: But I've already told you that stage two will have The Comedy of Errors!
Jim: But there are so many of them! If you don't pick one, stage two will just be anything goes!
Tom: No, that's stage one!
Jim: Augh!
Tom: Do you not like The Comedy of Errors going on stage two?
Jim: You know, people were telling me you didn't have anything planned for this festival, but I didn't believe the rumors on stage two!
Tom: Oh, that's because we've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: What? What have you heard?
Tom: Just that we've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: Not very interesting rumors.
Tom: Nonsense! We've got a good cast lined up.
Jim: So what play is on stage three?
Tom: I told you! We've got Rumors on stage three!
Jim: But you picked the play, shouldn't you know what it is?
Tom: I've told you Rumors!
Jim: So you're just leaving it up to hearsay? This is crazy! This is anything goes!
Both: Stage one!
Reviewing All Songs
Welcome back! It's week number 4,327 and we're still working our way through EVERY SONG EVER. Those A's are over and done with! Time for the B's to take it OVER! It's alphabetical, rockers!
B - John Luther Adams
This song is slow, so I didn't really have time to listen to it! I got a lot of songs to get through, here. Sorry!
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - Cocteau Twins
This unreleased song has been sitting on a shelf since it was cut due to just being three minutes of setting up the microphones and someone playing 'Johnny B Goode' on the guitar. But it was titled, so it's probably a song! I'm not sure, though, since I didn't really have time to listen to this one, either.
Baba - Bunky
This song sure looked good and all, but to be honest I have this list of songs to review and it's like super long so I can't really dedicate the time I'd like to each one. The first two notes were great, though.
Babaa - Bunky
I'm not actually sure this song exists, it's probably a typo on the list. But that's convenient, since I can move right on to the next song.
Baba O'Riley - The Who
Okay, I'm going to apologize here. I actually had the time to listen to this one, but I totally forgot to do it. My bad. No, really, my bad.
Baba O'Rileyaaaaaaaa - The Who
This one is a typo too. Definitely sorry about that. I was kinda crunched for time when I wrote the list, so I maybe made a few mistakes.
Zurvan - Sir Richard Bishop
And here's the last song on the list! Is that right? You'd think there would be some songs that start with C, or maybe even H. To be honest, I'm not really sure how you alphabetize things. Anyway, this song is pretty good. It's got guitar, or something.
Well, guess that's it for "Reviewing All Songs"! Come back next week for my new column "Counting Numbers!" I'll be starting at one!
B - John Luther Adams
This song is slow, so I didn't really have time to listen to it! I got a lot of songs to get through, here. Sorry!
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - Cocteau Twins
This unreleased song has been sitting on a shelf since it was cut due to just being three minutes of setting up the microphones and someone playing 'Johnny B Goode' on the guitar. But it was titled, so it's probably a song! I'm not sure, though, since I didn't really have time to listen to this one, either.
Baba - Bunky
This song sure looked good and all, but to be honest I have this list of songs to review and it's like super long so I can't really dedicate the time I'd like to each one. The first two notes were great, though.
Babaa - Bunky
I'm not actually sure this song exists, it's probably a typo on the list. But that's convenient, since I can move right on to the next song.
Baba O'Riley - The Who
Okay, I'm going to apologize here. I actually had the time to listen to this one, but I totally forgot to do it. My bad. No, really, my bad.
Baba O'Rileyaaaaaaaa - The Who
This one is a typo too. Definitely sorry about that. I was kinda crunched for time when I wrote the list, so I maybe made a few mistakes.
Zurvan - Sir Richard Bishop
And here's the last song on the list! Is that right? You'd think there would be some songs that start with C, or maybe even H. To be honest, I'm not really sure how you alphabetize things. Anyway, this song is pretty good. It's got guitar, or something.
Well, guess that's it for "Reviewing All Songs"! Come back next week for my new column "Counting Numbers!" I'll be starting at one!
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