HOT GIFTS TO BUY! Buy a blender! Blend up some shit! They'll love it. Turn around! Look in a store, you can buy more things, hot damn! Buying all over the place. Take your blender, throw it in the air! Wherever it lands, buy that too!
Got a cousin? Got two cousins? Maybe you have three cousins! Buy them all some chocolate. Buy them more chocolate! They'll be eating chocolate all the time! Fat cousins are good cousins for sitting on! Buy buy buy!
Your mom would love a loofah! Buy her a loofah! Showering moms all over the country want to lather up with a thing! Buy her a thing and also another thing! Do it again! Keep buying for God's sake.
Speaking of which, buy a Gift For God this holiday season! Fall down upon your knees in aisle three and burn a goat, letting the heavenly scent of consumerism waft up to His benevolent nose! Also buy him a universal remote!
Please buy. Oh for the love of everything please buy. I just want to feed my family. They already tried eating the decorative pillows in aisle six. Please. Buy my hair. I already sold my organs. Just buy. Buy yourself a pocket. Buy more things to put in it. Kill me.
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