I just got out of my time machine. I just bought it like a week ago, and I have to say that I will be disassembling it very soon. What a bore! I was all excited to see the future, so I went four days from now. Whatever! No flying cars, no utopian societies. Just a bunch of fatasses talking about Ohbomba and Hillary whatever or something. I asked someone about the cure for cancer and they were all "Someday we hope there will be a cure. Scientists are making lots of advances and it seems like the technology is within our grasp." Whatever.
Our future is a failure. I couldn't even get a decent interview because people were like "it's Thursday, I'm busy." They weren't even impressed that I was from the past. I was all "I'm from four days ago, baby" at a bar and the girl just looked at my clothes and said "more like four DECADES." I thought it was a compliment at first but then she left the bar.
I was expecting some crazy technology advances, maybe some phasers or whatever. All they had were tasers. Laaaaame. Cool communication devices? I guess the iPhone was pretty cool but it was all plastic or whatever and it was totally not a robot. I was going to get one to bring back to me, but when I went to the bank to see if my account had gotten billions of dollars in interest while I was gone, like in Futurama, the bank lady was all "your balance is zero just like it was four days ago." What a gyp. I said that to her and she was all "that is a racial slur please do not use it." I guess the PC POLICE don't go out of fashion any time soon. Whatever. That's when I decided to come back to the present.
Before making the return trip, I met a guy who had time traveled from four days in the future to be there. I asked him what it was like eight days in the future and he said it sucked. Whatever. I stole his wallet. I couldn't wait until I got back so I wouldn't have to worry about global warming anymore.
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