Ask Abby & Abby!

Advice for time travellers in the rough, with your hosts present and future Abby McGuile!

Dear Abby & Abby,
I made a small error and sent myself way too far back in time! Everything’s all oozy here and the insects are HUGE. The bug spray I brought doesn’t work on them. As I write this there’s a twelve inch leech sucking on my left leg. Ouch! What do I do, Abby and Abby?
-Bug Bitten, Time Shy

Dear BBTS,
Whatever you do, don’t kill them! That could alter the time stream and change the future. Last time that happened we ended up with Charlie Sheen. Get back in the time machine right now and come home before you mess anything up. Bring the leech with you. Once it falls off it makes a wonderful conversation piece.
-Abby & Abby


Dear Abby & Abby,
I invented the time machine a number of years ago, and ever since then people have been going back in time to steal my plans and invent it earlier than I did. It’s a real pain, and the patent office is so stubborn. What can I do?
-Patently Discouraged

Dear PD,
I’m afraid that we are legally unable to answer this question due to our currently pending patent on the time machine, which we originally invented.
-Abby & Abby


Dear Abby & Abby,
I went back in time and, well, I guess I have to admit it. I fell in love with our common ancestor. She has the most beautiful green eyes and she loves flowers, spareribs, and the copy of House of Leaves I brought with me. I know it’s technically incest, but what can I say? I dig the earthy girls. Is there anything I should be careful of in this relationship?
-Late Into the Eve

Dear LITE,
We’re very glad that you’ve found true love, but honestly the fact that you’re not only sleeping with your mother, but everybody’s mother, is a little creepy. Think long and hard about whether you’re willing to cross this boundary, because once you do there’s no pulling that fig leaf of shame off.
-Abby & Abby


Dear Abby & Abby,
I wanted to see my own death. I know, I know, "time travel tourist," but I was curious, so I went forward seventy years. What do you know, I'm still alive and kicking! So I go ahead another hundred years. I'm still there. I go forward another hundred years, and I'm still alive. What the hell, Abby & Abby? With these new fangled advances in medicine, a regular guy like me can't do a simple little thing like see his own death! Is that too much to ask? This country is going to hell in a handbasket.
-Crotchety and Still Alive, Dammit!

Dear CASAD,
Change is a tough thing to deal with, but the possibility of immortality is the sort of thing you just have to come to terms with eventually. It's tough for all of us, but you have to stop being so egoistic. You want to see yourself die. It's all about you you you! If you can't see yourself die, stop being so selfish and go see other things die. Abraham Lincoln is a popular destination, as is Pompeii, or the extinction of the dinosaurs. Hopefully you will get your fill of death.
-Abby & Abby