Well, Jesus Christ

I need a new set of swear words. I've got two already, and both suck.

The first is your standard blue boat. "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Fuuuuuck" when something is lame. "Fuck yeah" when congratulating someone. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" when I'm holding something hot. "You asshole" as the awkward buddy-buddy insult, too strong for TV and too weak for, well, a buddy-buddy insult. I really want to say "You little faggot" or something but that word makes people uncomfortable which breaks the conversation too.

Now this is all well and good. I like these words for the most part. They're conveniently one syllable apiece, complete with vowel sounds for easy drone and quick pronounciation for convenient repetition. Nothing like a red hot streak where every word is clearly understandable behind the frothing mouth and blubbering undertones. Good show, English language, good show.

However, there's got to be a second set for everyday conversation. You can't say "shit" to the wrong person or they might not want to be around you anymore. You can't say "fuck I misfiled it" at work or else, well, what would you expect?

For this I, and I assume a lot of other people, have a secondary curse cadre. "Lame" is the catch-all. Something can be lame, something can be "laaaaaame," and something can be really really lame. These are all levels of lameness. However, lame is also one of those homologous words - a word is homologous if it is talked about by smug English students. Lame is a lame word. It sounds dull and spineless coming out of your mouth, and it sounds just as dull and spineless in every application. "You are SO FUCKING LAME" is so much weaker than just "YOU FUCK" which doesn't even make sense and it's still winning. Clearly, lame needs to be phased out.

I also have my religious group of weak curse words. "God dammit, I dropped the pizza." "Christ" is a good one, too. It's excellent at portraying exasperation or frustration. "Christ, this game is hard." "Christ, this is a lot of work." "Chriiiiiist, you're doing an impressive amount of work."

These are hard, though. As an atheist, I certainly don't believe that there's any divine retribution to the words, but I do fear for the day when some Christian hears me and it's THAT type of Christian and everything ticks them off and that day it just happens to be me and for once they actually happen to be justified.

I mean, really, it's their God in their head, I feel a little bad for using it in a way they wouldn't like.

So there they are, my profane woes. I hope you enjoyed them, and I hope you expected me to say "I hope you fucking enjoyed them" because I didn't and now I feel much more clever.