Mini Articles

*New Study Finds Discovery
According to a new study by Indiana University Professor Mark Name, the wild wild west may not have actually been that wild.
"Our data shows that giant metal spiders weren't really around in the 19th century," says Name. "Neither was Will Smith. One 'wild'? Maybe. Two? Definitely not."

*New Discovery Finds Study
Bunny Sweetcorn, young trophy wife of 80-year old billionaire Jerry Phillips, was outed last Monday as an intelligent person. She was found reading a book on mitosis. Her defense: "I thought it was about pedicures!"

*New Finds in Discovery Study
The book "Discovery: The Lie That You Believed" by Herman Parker hits shelves Tuesday. The book reveals some troubling things about the way we discover new things. "Discovery never happens," says Parker. "Everything has always been here. I remember when I was a kid. Did we need to discover America? Hell no! We already lived there. Didn't need no discovering. Columbus was a hack."

*Fingernails to lengthen, Says Fed
Fingernail Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yesterday that he will not issue an emergency cutback on fingernail length.
"We're going to continue to see steady growth. It's not time to trim things down quite yet. Americans with shorter fingernails should hang in there and push back their cuticles, because things are looking up."

*Kids Like Video Games
"I like video games," says Gary Guth, a precocious little six-year old, in a recent interview. "So do a lot of my friends."
According to market reports, kids enjoy playing video games. It is often listed as one of their favorite activities, next to spending time with friends. "I like my friends," says Gary. "We play video games sometimes."

*His Three Year Old Can Do That
Nearly four years ago, Mark Brighton visited a modern art museum for the first time and remarked that the abstract pictures looked like something a child could do. He immediately got married, conceived a child, and taught him modern art. Young Charles Brighton's work can now be found in museums across the nation.
"Painting is fun," said Charles. "I'm this many fingers old."