That's right.

As far as I'm concerned everyone else can just go straight to hell. I've dealt enough with the oppression, enough with the bullying, and enough with the ridicule. This is going out to all those little punks the world round who don't get it, aren't going to get it, and feel like it's their prerogative to "show me what" or whatever.

You know what? I sit on chair cushions. That's right, fuck you. You can't do anything about it and I know it's making you seethe in your seats right now. Seats that probably only have one cushion if any at all. You can see me enjoying myself just that much and you can't stand it. Your little Puritan-wired brain is misfiring all over the place.

You want more? That's right, you want more you punks. More to ridicule me about. Well I'm going to give it to you. I'm sitting right now on a stack of Sunbrela 5488-0000s so tall your sitting-inexperienced backs would break to even consider sitting down on it. I am at the height of comfort, figuratively and literally as the mountain of cushions is piled six feet high over my Broyhill Leather Top Grain Executive Chair. That's right, I'm going princess and the fucking pea right on your little "Normal" faces but in this case the pea is that jawbreaker I dropped a few nights ago and lost. I can feel it. It's under there somewhere.

My ass is so comfortable right now you could pump it full of ass heroin and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Seething yet? Jealous yet? I thought so. That's all you little internet scum are anyway, jealous. You're probably sitting in your moms' basements reading this and wishing you could sit as comfortably as I do, but you can't. You don't even know what real sitting is.

But people keep expressing their jealousy as rude disgust or, even worse, an excuse to mock me and other pro sitters. I went out a few days ago to hand out pamphlets telling people about pro sitting and how they could get into it, what groups to join, that sort of thing. Nobody was interested! One laughed at me. Two girls slapped my ass and giggled, which I can only assume was a jab at me and my lifestyle and hobby. I asked them how they could possibly be so rude as to ignore cultural tolerance and that if they weren't interested in sitting to just move along and stop bothering me. They got this weird look on their faces and walked away. That was the look of understanding. They understand now why mocking me was wrong. Why can't you?

Not that it matters. I'm going to keep sitting here, just showing you how it's done and proving that someone can be both successful and a pro sitter. You haven't been able to handle that before, and I expect to be ridiculed for my beliefs in the future, but you know what they say about bullies - the best revenge is success. So this year after the sitting champs, where I plan to sit on seventeen feet of the official futon/waterbed hybrid and win the medal, you internet fucks will be crawling back to me and begging forgiveness. You're even more worthless than my bedsore.