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Article
Portland Man Rolls Eyes Too Hard, Goes Blind
It had started out just a normal day for Robert Heckelmeyer of Portland, Oregon. The successful businessman had spent his life doing good for others and bringing himself out of the gutter to become an important member of the community. However, Heckelmeyer was not prepared for what came next.
“I… I just wasn’t prepared,” said Heckelmeyer recently in an interview. “It really came out of the blue.”
Blue, a color that Heckelmeyer hasn’t seen since February 6, 2007, and will never see again. Heckelmeyer had just come out of a business meeting at a local Best Western with associate Scott Stepp. The two were making their way out of the hotel when the automatic sliding doors malfunctioned.
“The desk clerk said the repairman would take an hour and until then we were trapped in the lobby. I asked him about another exit but he said it was for employees only. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, that was ridiculous.”
That was the very moment that this man’s life would come crashing down. Not four feet away at the front desk, a woman was arguing with the manager, demanding that the no-vacancy hotel find her a room or else. A four year old child wearing a bandana and saggy pants tugged on Mr. Heckelmeyer’s pants and reportedly called him “wack.” Heckelmeyer reached for his cell phone to call his wife and tell her he’d be late but realized that he had left it in the conference room.
“My eyes were burning at that point,” said Heckelmeyer. “I turned to my associate, Scott, and told him that I just couldn’t take any more.”
Stepp grabbed his friend’s hand and tried to lead him to safety. Unfortunately, he led Heckelmeyer past a blaring television tuned to Fox News.
“They were talking about evolution in schools. That was the end… the end of everything for me.”
“I torn up about this,” said Stepp. “If I had the opportunity to do things differently, I’d take that chance with arms wide open. Rob had gotten so far in life, and was only going to go higher. That man would help anybody, any race, color, or creed.”
Heckelmeyer now lives at home with his wife and three children. Since rolling his eyes back into his head, he has been learning Braille and gearing up for a comeback.
“I’m ready for it. I’m going to make this change in my life. It’s not like I have a choice; it’s not like I ever had a chance.”
Heckelmeyer warns children not to be too cynical so that they might not repeat his mistake. He has started the legal advocacy group BARE, or Ban All Rolling Eyes, which seeks to make rolling your eyes a punishable offense.
“It’s for everyone’s own safety. Three people in the last ten years have gone blind due to ERROR [Excessive Rare Rolling Optics Response]. The government needs to take notice and stop this menace.”
It had started out just a normal day for Robert Heckelmeyer of Portland, Oregon. The successful businessman had spent his life doing good for others and bringing himself out of the gutter to become an important member of the community. However, Heckelmeyer was not prepared for what came next.
“I… I just wasn’t prepared,” said Heckelmeyer recently in an interview. “It really came out of the blue.”
Blue, a color that Heckelmeyer hasn’t seen since February 6, 2007, and will never see again. Heckelmeyer had just come out of a business meeting at a local Best Western with associate Scott Stepp. The two were making their way out of the hotel when the automatic sliding doors malfunctioned.
“The desk clerk said the repairman would take an hour and until then we were trapped in the lobby. I asked him about another exit but he said it was for employees only. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, that was ridiculous.”
That was the very moment that this man’s life would come crashing down. Not four feet away at the front desk, a woman was arguing with the manager, demanding that the no-vacancy hotel find her a room or else. A four year old child wearing a bandana and saggy pants tugged on Mr. Heckelmeyer’s pants and reportedly called him “wack.” Heckelmeyer reached for his cell phone to call his wife and tell her he’d be late but realized that he had left it in the conference room.
“My eyes were burning at that point,” said Heckelmeyer. “I turned to my associate, Scott, and told him that I just couldn’t take any more.”
Stepp grabbed his friend’s hand and tried to lead him to safety. Unfortunately, he led Heckelmeyer past a blaring television tuned to Fox News.
“They were talking about evolution in schools. That was the end… the end of everything for me.”
“I torn up about this,” said Stepp. “If I had the opportunity to do things differently, I’d take that chance with arms wide open. Rob had gotten so far in life, and was only going to go higher. That man would help anybody, any race, color, or creed.”
Heckelmeyer now lives at home with his wife and three children. Since rolling his eyes back into his head, he has been learning Braille and gearing up for a comeback.
“I’m ready for it. I’m going to make this change in my life. It’s not like I have a choice; it’s not like I ever had a chance.”
Heckelmeyer warns children not to be too cynical so that they might not repeat his mistake. He has started the legal advocacy group BARE, or Ban All Rolling Eyes, which seeks to make rolling your eyes a punishable offense.
“It’s for everyone’s own safety. Three people in the last ten years have gone blind due to ERROR [Excessive Rare Rolling Optics Response]. The government needs to take notice and stop this menace.”
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